Bilbo's Misadventures: Bilbo, You're Worrying Us
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: After Dain's visit, so read Dain Meet Mistress Baggins first! Bilbo is acting strange, Thorin is worried about his hobbit friend. Could Bilbo truly be a hobbit with the ability to give birth? Or is it just stress causing weight gain and moodiness? Can Gandalf help, or refuse to aid them?
1. Chapter 1

Sweaty, panting and frustrated beyond belief, the hobbit tugged and pulled to no avail. "Fit you bastard!" He cursed, pulling at the waist of his trousers, trying his damnedest to make the button meet its hole, he had about an inch to go.

Bilbo's gut was sucked in as much as it was able, and he was pulling as hard as he could yet still the trousers wouldn't quite fit.

Frustration turned to rage as he started grabbing things about the room to throw angrily. His loud noises getting the attention from a special dwarf outside his room.

"What is wrong?" Thorin Oakenshield asked, entering the room and watching his hobbit proceed to jump up and down, seeming to be throwing a fit over something.

"They don't _fit_!" He growled moodily at his companion, gesturing at his horribly tight looking trousers, they hugged his body like a glove, a very skinny glove attached to a fat handed troll. Needless to say, the trousers were not very nice looking on the hobbits body.

Thorin watched as the hobbit sank to the ground and stared flopping about on the floor, trying again to button his unwilling attire.

"Bilbo, you look ridiculous, just put on another pair." Thorin tried reasoning with the stubborn headed other.

"I've _tried_ the others! They were even tighter on me. No,_ this will work_, just a bit of extra oomph and they'll button." Bilbo seemed to be reassuring himself with that statement as he played at sucking his gut in more.

"This is silly, let me help you." Thorin tried being helpful, pulling Bilbo up and fiddling with the button.

"On three; one..."

"Thorin, just take it easy,"

"Two..."

"You're strong enough that they might _rip_!"

"Three!" With a great tug, and a gasp from the hobbit, Thorin had the button in its hole.

"There, that wasn't so..." Before he could finish that sentence, the button came undone due to stress and flew off Bilbo's trousers, bouncing off the near by dresser and catching the hobbit directly in the left eye.

"Ahh!" Bilbo wailed, holding he eye in pain, his temper turning into that of a weepy nature.

"Now Bilbo." Thorin began, hating it when the fellow cried.

"First my pants and now my eye!" He tearfully spoke, holding his sore eye and smacking away Thorin when he'd try to look at it.

"Leave me be, just let me wallow in my misery!" He spoke dramatically, annoying Thorin greatly.

"You can always borrow a pair of mine, Bilbo." Thorin tried to be gentle, to not let his annoyance turn to anger.

"Oh, just let _old fat Bilbo_ wear your _dwarf sized trousers_, real sensitive _Thorin_!" He cried, making the dwarfs annoyance rise.

"I don't know what else you want of me. I can't magically _make_ your pants fit."

"I've never been this heavy in my _life_! It's all your _dwarfish_ food, or maybe you're just _fattening me up_ so I stay inside the mountain, too fat to fit through the damn door!" He dramatically accused his companion, his state of mind irrational due to his emotions.

"Bilbo, I can't deal with you when you're like this. When you've settled down, come talk to me." Thorin informed his friend, taking the high road for once and walking away before a real fight started.

"That's it, just _walk away_! Walk away from your _fat_ hobbit companion!" He wept angrily, looking down at his pooched out gut and tight pants, only to cry harder.

As Thorin left his emotional hobbit, his mind wandered back to Bilbo's behavior shortly after their pretend wedding. Which wound up bring a _real_ wedding due to the fact Balin was truly able to unite them, a fact that Thorin found out only _after_ the ceremony.

Bilbo had been uncertain at first, hearing this news. They both were trying to calmly come to grips with this new situation they were in. It's not like they didn't care for one another, but marriage was a big commitment, a commitment Thorin hadn't been interested in. Hence why they were fooling Dain, and yet here he was, truly married to his hobbit companion.

What worried Thorin more than the marriage fact, was his notice of Bilbo's extraordinary eating habits. It seemed to first grab his attention the night of their wedding, as they all gathered to eat dinner. Bilbo was ravenous, growling at dwarfs as he reached for the last roll, slamming down plate after plate of roasted pork. The hobbit had been known for his light eating, this display was odd, and since his recent admittance to Thorin that Hobbit males sometimes got pregnant, Thorin was a bit on edge.

As much as Bilbo had stated that he wasn't that _kind_ of hobbit, the king was still cautious, knowing that strange things could happen and that it'd be just his type of luck if Bilbo _was_ a birth giving hobbit.

After the wedding dinner, every day he watched on silently as the hobbit joyfully ate his fill of food. Eating portions that fitted a dwarf appetite more than a little hobbit. Because of his excessive eating, Thorin wouldn't say it to _Bilbo_, but he had noticed a bit of weight gain happening to his friend. He cared for his hobbit no matter what size he was, but the weight made him concerned for other reasons.

It also appeared that his friend had mood swings lately, fine one minute then weepy or angry the next, it was _terribly_ frustrating! Arguing in the middle of their love making because 'You were looking at me funny' reasons amongst other outrageous ones. It wasn't very fun when you're about to release and then all of a sudden your partner pulls out and starts going off about a disagreement you had had _weeks_ ago. His behavior was troublesome, more so than usual, and Thorin desired some answers, to know if what he suspected was true of his beloved Bilbo.

-0-0-

Thorin had been wandering outside the mountain, giving his companion time to cool down when all of a sudden his nephews started running towards him, coming from the direction of Dale.

"Uncle, uncle! Come quick! Bilbo's in trouble with the townspeople of Dale! He's taken a battle axe and has taken off all the heads of their geese!"

"Who the _Hell_ gave Bilbo a battle axe?!" Thorin demanded angrily, following his nephews hurriedly.

"He just took it out of the armory! We asked him why and he said strange things, uncle." Fili answered worriedly.

_"Nasty, plotting birds won't have the last laugh against me!"_ Kili mimicked what Bilbo had said.

"We think he's lost it, uncle. Have you two been fighting?" Kili asked, searching for a truthful answer from his kin.

"_No_! The last thing we discussed was him wearing my pants for now because his wouldn't fit." Thorin explained, getting curious looks from his nephews.

"Uncle, I think we need Gandalf's help. Bilbo just hasn't been himself lately." Fili spoke his opinion, receiving a raised brow from his uncle.

"Gandalf? The wizard was fit to be tied after watching the wedding, what makes you think he'd come to our aid?" He scoffed, still miffed at the wizards unpleasant attitude.

"He's Bilbo's friend, and he knows things we don't." Fili spoke reasonably towards his uncle.

"Fine! If you can _find_ the wandering _wise arse_, then see if he'll help." Thorin reluctantly submitted, more concerned with how to settle down the townspeople so that they wouldn't hurt his Bilbo.

"Where are they keeping him?" He asked, still following them towards the town.

"He's locked himself inside a room at the inn." Kili informed the king.

"Alright, I'll handle things in Dale, you two go out and search for the wandering wizard, he may be too far to even contact." Thorin ordered his dwarf kin.

With nods from both young dwarfs, they left Thorin on his own to make inquiries of the wandering wizards whereabouts.

-0-0-

"Bilbo, it's me, Thorin." He called through the door, after calming down the angry mob by gifting them with gold to reimburse them for their deceased animals. The crowd had dispersed, leaving Thorin alone to speak with his strange acting companion.

"Are you mad?" He cautiously called back, the hobbit's voice was worried.

"I'm just confused, Bilbo, and would like to hear your side of this." He carefully worded his sentence, knowing the hobbit wouldn't open up willingly if Thorin just came uncorked on him.

"I...My mind started wandering. I had put on your pants, and was mad that they actually _fit_ me, then all of a sudden I thought about geese. How that honking devil had chased me and scared you as well..."

"I wouldn't use the word _scared_, apprehensive perhaps. That's not important though, go on." He spoke gently, listening to what his friend had to say.

"Well, I thought about that, and it made me worry about the other birds down here. Can you imagine if one of those blasted birds chased me as I am now? They'd _beak_ me to death! So I decided it was only for the best to just take the first strike and surprise them first. I was so _brave_, Thorin! You would have been so proud, watching me swing that axe and stoping their evil nature for good. It was invigorating! But then the people started noticing, and getting mad and yelling. . ." He paused, sighing tiredly. "I ran, they had pitchforks and torches, Thorin! And I'm just a wee hobbit with one axe! So I locked myself in here and waited things out. Are they gone?"

"Yes, Bilbo. I had to pay them for their grievances." Thorin answered his companion.

"Oh dear! I'm sorry, Thorin. I didn't intend for this to involve you." Bilbo spoke honestly.

"Did you really think they wouldn't notice a hobbit swinging a battle axe around, chopping off goose heads?" Thorin lightly joked.

"Well, I thought they'd be more _grateful_, but then realized that they aren't short like me, the geese probably weren't bothering them the way they do me...Thorin, is something wrong with me? I think my thoughts are so clear one minute, then looking back it's just crazy and ridiculous." He confided with his dwarf companion, seriously worried about himself.

"I've sent Fili and Kili to go search for Gandalf. Whatever is troubling you, he undoubtedly will know the reason." Thorin assuredly spoke, "Now, can you open the door? Let's get you home, little one." He waited, watching the door very slowly inch open, the hobbit looking through the crack at Thorin.

"You're _really_ not mad at me?" He asked again.

"Bilbo, you decapitated twenty geese in less than five minutes." He eyes the friend for a moment, before a grin started to pull at his lips "I couldn't be any happier to see their ranks weakened." He got a sigh of relief from Bilbo as the hobbit opened the door and rushed into Thorin awaiting arms.

"But don't let the townspeople know I'm glad, need to keep up appearance around here, you know?" He made the hobbit chuckle a bit as they hugged a moment longer.

"Come on, lets go wait for Gandalf." Thorin pulled back, taking Bilbo's hand and leading the hobbit home. They'd find out some answers, one way or another.

-0-0-

The Hobbit Belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien


	2. Chapter 2

Gandalf was a guest amongst the Mirkwood elves, since the wedding incident, Thranduil and the wizard had taken up a sort of companionship. Mostly filled with bad mouthing Thorin and belittling his marriage to the male hobbit, Bilbo.

They were at the dining table, chatting about the foolish dwarf king when Thranduil started talking of his own sons love life.

"I thought I had it bad, little Legolas falling for that lowly Silven elf. But I told her to know her place, that she should not give him hope where there was none. I think the little tramp finally gave up, though Legolas still talks about her, the silly boy." He huffed, wishing his child would have some common sense and stop his infatuation.

"Well, at least they're of the same race, unlike the dwarf and hobbit." Gandalf commented.

"Even so, I would rather have my manhood seized than to see those two together!" He voiced his strict opinion.

"Being eunuch isn't all that terrible..." Gandalf, having sipped a bit too much of the potent, elvish wine, spoke openly towards the king. Thranduil looked at his guest questioningly, never having suspected the wizard a eunuch.

"How did this happen?" He inquired, ready to hear a story.

"I was a bit younger than I am today, I had met a very charismatic sorceress, and we found enjoyment in each others company. That all changed, one day. We were speaking with the elves of Lothlórien, and of course Lady Galadriel made an appearance, and apparently when she did I had a strange look on my face. A look that cost me my manhood, it was a painful thing."

"I was accused of eyeing the Lady Galadriel as if she were the fairest of them all, and when I simply stated that she _was_ the fairest of them all, before I knew it she took a knife and sliced me! I believe she still has them as a trophy, hanging on her mantle, waiting to see if I'll come one day to retrieve them." He ended his little tale, the elf king shaking his head and looking at the wizard in awe.

"I thought wizards were _smart_ individuals, a clever man would have known not to answer their lady the way you did. Men lie to their beloved's all the time to keep the peace, what ever made you speak so truthfully?" He questioned the guest, dumbfounded at the wizards actions of so very long ago.

"Ah, who could lie about Lady Galadriel's beauty? I simply _couldn't_. Do you think it would have been easy to lie to your wife if she had asked the same question?" Gandalf asked his own question of the king.

"I suppose her beauty is a thing anyone would have a hard time fibbing about. Yet still, a high cost for stating only the obvious, it's not as if you were smitten with Lady Galadriel." The king of Mirkwood commented, taking notice with his keen elf eyes how Gandalf's eyes twinkled wistfully, his lips smiling as he sipped more wine.

"You give yourself away, wizard. Your eyes say it all. So, you feel affectionate towards the elf Lady of Light, yet renounce the hobbit marrying a dwarf? _Fascinating_." He smugly grinned, getting a cough and a humph from the wizard.

"She's beautiful. I'm not courting her by any means, it's a completely different situation!" Gandalf heatedly explained, hating the look on his hosts face.

"Say what you will, I'll not argue." Thandriul winked in a toying manner, frustrating Gandalf more with his behavior.

"You know, it's rather a funny thing. Not too long ago I thought I spotted a wood elf sneaking around the halls within the lonely mountain. Now I don't know why a she-elf would be visiting, but maybe you would." Gandalf spoke his words out of his own miffed feelings.

"You must have been seeing things, my elves don't frolic with those dwarfs..." Thandriul insisted, his fuzzy dark brows furrowing as he watched his guest smirk.

"Ah, well then, it must have been another _type_ of elf sneaking out of one of Thorin Oakenshield's nephews rooms. After all, that'd be a _very_ disreputable elf, sleeping with a dwarf." He had a stare down with the king for a long moment, until the king coughed to clear his throat.

"Again, I believe you were seeing things. Any elf of mine caught doing that type of treacherous act would be exiled." He informed Gandalf, the wizard merely shrugged his shoulders calmly, sipping his drink with a cool expression on his face, unlike his host.

Their private moment was interrupted as two guards lead in two young dwarf males.

"King Thandriul, these dwarfs were sent to find our guest, the wizard Gandalf." One guard bowed and informed his superior.

"Ah, had Thorin a greater need of my guest? We're busy, come back later." He was about to wave them away, but one lad started talking urgently.

"Gandalf you must come with us, Bilbo's acting strangely and we need your help!" The blonde dwarf hurriedly pleaded to the gray wizard.

"Please, Gandalf! We don't know what's the matter with him!" The darker haired youth added. As he spoke, a long auburn haired she-elf, Tauriel to be precise, popped her head in to eye the dwarf. Her presence caught his attention quickly, the idiot dumbly smiling as he waved lightly, making her hide her form quickly at the act.

"Bilbo's sick? Why don't you use a doctor?" Gandalf shrugged, not too keen on the idea of returning.

"But it's not something a doctor can fix, you're smart, we need you to figure out the hobbit's problem." Fili explained, eyeing the lightly buzzed wizard with doe like eyes.

"Probably taking too much of a pounding and ripped his hobbit hole. Go ahead, Gandalf, go sew the hobbit up so that he can get ripped all over again." Thandriul's words were not well received, both young dwarfs frowning at him, the wizard choking on his wine and glaring daggers at the foul mouthed king.

"I wish you wouldn't speak so nastily!" Gandalf hissed at his host, his mood ruined for that evening. "Fine, I'll come with you." He sighed, unhappily going, but figuring it was the honest and right thing to do. As the wizard stood and gave a farewell to the elf king, the group slowly exiting the dining room, Tauriel softly made her way into the room.

She was trying to walk past without being noticed, but her king had other things in mind.

"Tauriel, come here." He ordered her, watching as she held a stiff posture, her eyes guarded as she stood before her king quietly.

"Tell me, Tauriel, why did that dwarf wave at you." He inquired.

"Sire, he was the dwarf I saved from being poisoned. " She hollowly answered him.

"Ah, that one. My son has mentioned this dwarf before, it seems to him that the young dwarf had a crush on you. Tell me, do you like him?" His question made her posture more tense, eyes staying blank as she answered no.

"I see. You know, our guest Gandalf seems to think one of us has been venturing over to the mountain. Has been sleeping with one of the dwarf kings nephews. So you can imagine my concern at seeing the young dwarf recognizing you." He eyed her cooly, his feelings telling him that she was most certainly hiding something.

"A terrible misunderstanding I am sure." She spoke, the king raising a brow curiously.

"See, I'm not so sure. How about you follow them discreetly and see if you notice any elves sneaking about the mountain. Report back after our wizard friend is done servicing the hobbit." He instructed the elf, receiving a bow as she left to do as he wished. Shortly after, his son came by to see how his father was.

"Legolas, I want you to follow Tauriel. Discreetly so, I've sent her on a mission. You're to see how she performs. That is all." He calmly ordered his son. This was the only way Legolas could truly see the error in his ways, that Tauriel wasn't the right elf for him.

Legolas dutifully did as his father asked, heading out to follow the lass and watch her actions. Thandriul was cunning, he felt assured that his decisions would give him the end result he so desired. What other possibility could there be?

-0-0-

Ever travel with a lightly buzzed wizard? It involved a lot of odd mumbling and shuffling, along with random whacks to the noggin from his large wooden staff. Gandalf was being lightly ornery to the nephews, from time to time he'd zap them lightly, making them yipe like a wounded wolf and eye him deploringly.

"Explain, if you will, how the hobbit has been acting." He asked of the nephews as they traveled onward.

"Well for one, he's gained a large amount of weight! Uncle just told us Bilbo had to wear a pair of his trousers, that Bilbo's old ones wouldn't fit anymore." Kili started.

"He's probably gained it so much because of that huge appetite he's had lately. Chowing down dwarf sized meals, some days I wonder if he could give _Bomber_ a challenge when it comes to eating." Fili added his two cents on the topic.

"Then there's the mood swings. He's happy one minute, and then the next he goes crazy and chops off every goose head within the city of Dale! He's losing it Gandalf." Kili tisked, worried about his hobbit friend.

"Strange, very strange..." The wizard mumbled, twisting his beard in thought as they traveled. What ever could be the cause of all this? If he didn't know any better, and he did, the wizard was reminded of the symptoms a pregnant woman had. But Bilbo was male, and make hobbits simply didn't have babies, that was for certain! So? Maybe he was hexed? But who'd curse poor, innocent little Bilbo?

Gandalf would just have to see the hobbit for himself, perhaps then some light would shed upon them and their situation.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: Alright! Lots of stuff about to happen, Kili and his lady are possibly going to be found out by Legolas. Things could get dicy with Thorin dealing with his strange acting hobbit, and if Legolas goes ape over seeing his she-elf friend playing _patty-cake_, there could be minor blood shed... Glad you're reading and reviewing! Stay tuned, it's gonna get interesting!


	3. Chapter 3

Thorin had walked Bilbo into their shared room, insisting the hobbit rest a bit while they waited for Fili and Kil's return. Bilbo fussed about, unwilling to sit still in the large bed as Thorin watched him with annoyance.

"Can't you hold still for five seconds?" He scolded the fidgety hobbit, Bilbo rolled his eyes and started to demand that Thorin hand him his crocheting tools and yarn while they waited.

Reluctantly, the dwarf obliged, giving Bilbo his things and watching as the little one set about his crafty work.

"What are you making this time, a _too small_ tunic for Dwalin perhaps? Or maybe an _unsoiled_ hat for Bofur?" Bilbo looked at Thorin with surprise.

"Yes, I know about your incident with the dwarfs hat. I'm just surprised he's still wearing it. I wouldn't wear anything that you took a big turd on, that's just downright disturbing..." He shivered at the thought, upsetting Bilbo enough to make him throw his crochet needle at the ornery dwarf's head.

It clanged and bounced off Thorin's nose, making him whine as he held his lightly sore schnoz.

"Settle down, by Durin! I'll bend you over my knee like a child if you're going to act like one, Bilbo!" Thorin warned, receiving a rude gesture from Bilbo, the hobbit stuck out his tongue at the threatening king.

Thorin was about to teach his feisty hobbit a lesson, when the fellow started to clutch at his stomach and cry out in pain.

"Bilbo!" Thorin called, helpless as he watched the fellow moan and groan, clutching his guts in agony. Then, as quickly as it had happened, the pain vanished, relinquishing the hobbit from its painful hold. He laid back in the bed, shivering at the aftermath, Thorin caressing his companions face and assuring him that everything would be fine.

"Bilbo, have you felt that pain before?" He asked gently of his weakened friend.

Bilbo wouldn't answer him right away, making the dwarf very nervous, until the hobbit sighed in a defeated manner.

"I try not to worry you, you've got a lot to deal with already, you don't need me to add another thing on your list of worries." Bilbo gingerly admitted, the dwarf frowned at his hobbit, upset that he'd not mention this strange happenings to him right away.

"When did they start?" Thorin assertively asked, having an assumption and wanting to hear Bilbo's truthful words.

"Shortly after the wedding. I was minding my own business in the library when all of a sudden, this strange pain came upon me. But then it left suddenly, and I thought that perhaps it was all my imagination. But it did keep happening...Since it went away so quickly, I thought that I could hold off having to tell you. That maybe it'd stop occurring even." He answered the king, his eyes unwilling to look at Thorin directly.

"Bilbo, I care for you a _great deal_, you need to _tell me_ these things so that I can try to _help you_. Damn all my other responsibilities, your health is more important to me." He expressed his feelings to his partner, moving Bilbo's chin so that the hobbit had to look at him.

"We will find out what ails you, little one. I promise." He leaned in and kissed the lightly blushing Bilbo, pulling back to see a teary eyed hobbit.

"What are the tears for, my hobbit?" He gently stroked away the tears streaming down Bilbo's cheeks.

"I just never knew you cared so _much_." He hesitantly answered, Thorin had an ornery smile on his face.

"What, you assumed I only cared when it came to bedding your hobbit arse?" He teased his friend, getting a chuckle from the teary hobbit.

"There now, laughter's a much better look on you, not weepy tear drops." Thorin spoke playfully, making the hobbit feel better.

"Rest, I'll wake you when my nephews return." The dwarf king promised, not standing away until Bilbo had closed his weary eyes.

With his companion dozing, the king went to wait outside their room, eager to see his nephews return with wizard in tow.

-0-0-

"How was your journey?" Thorin asked of his returned kin, glad to see them and the wandering wizard.

"Fine, though my bum is a bit sore from Gandalf taking his big rod and.." Kili's sentence was abruptly cut off.

"Not another word! I don't want to hear what the old pervert did to you." Thorin shushed his kin, receiving a glare from the wizard.

"Thorin Oakenshield, you are truly an _ass._ If it wasn't for Bilbo, I wouldn't have bothered coming." He tersely informed the rude king, watching as the dwarf rolled his eyes and turned to lead them to the hobbit.

"Is he alright, uncle?" Fili asked as they followed.

"He was resting when I left." Thorin answered, stopping to turn and ask the wandering wizard a troubling question.

"Gandalf, is it true that on rare occasions, male hobbits...reproduce?" He carefully inquired, the wizard started to chuckle at the king, irritating Thorin.

"Where on earth did you ever hear such a thing? It's nothing more than an old wives tale, nothing has ever been documented to prove that there ever were male hobbits popping out _babies_." He snorted at the thought.

"Bilbo, he said it has happened." Thorin informed the wizard, his face uncertain as the wizard brushed past to enter the room first, muttering the words 'I should have known.'

"Goodness! He has gained a bit of a belly!" Gandalf exclaimed louder than he should have, waking Bilbo with his thundering voice.

"It's alright, little hobbit. Gandalf is here." Thorin reassured his freshly awoken friend, placing a soothing hand on the hobbit's shoulder.

"Gandalf. I'm glad you came." Bilbo smiled faintly, looking up at the wizard with tired eyes.

"I come only because your mother was a good friend, and she'd never forgive me if I didn't try to help you with an ailment." Gandalf explained curtly, still not satisfied with Bilbo's life decision.

"Now hold still and let me look at you." Gandalf spoke evenly, taking his hands and floating them above the hobbits body, feeling out for any hex that might be placed there.

"Gandalf, Bilbo just recently told me he's been having odd stomach pains. They started shortly after the wedding." Thorin felt it was wise to mention this bit of information to the examining wizard. Bilbo frowned at Thorin, unamused at his partner, in Bilbo's eyes, tattle telling on him to the elderly wizard.

Gandalf's old, wrinkled hands, hovered above Bilbo's stomach. Gently, slowly they lowered, touching the hobbits plump little belly. Gandalf's brow was furrowed in concentration as he moved his hands in circle motions over the hobbit tummy. He gasped and pulled back quickly, as if something had bit him. His swirling wizard eyes gazed at Bilbo in confusion. Those eyes frightened the hobbit, making him very fearful of whatever the wizard had felt.

"Well?!" Thorin growled, impatient as always, "What is wrong with him?"

"I have traveled Middle Earth and have witnessed many things, but I can honestly say that I have never seen anything like this before." Gandalf began, reaching into his robes to take out his pipe, lighting it before he continued on, "This is magic at work, my short companions, a magic I have never encountered before." He spoke evenly to the worried group, Fili and Kili rushed to Bilbo's side, looking at Gandalf determinedly.

"Then lets find the source, and run him through!" Fili spoke, Kili whole heartedly agreeing with his brother.

"It's not that simple, young ones. The spell put on Bilbo is faulty, whoever placed it upon our hobbit friend assumed he was female, thus the complications." Gandalf puffed worriedly on his pipe, eyeing Bilbo wearily.

"What do you mean, complications? Just tell us what's wrong with him, damn it!" Thorin cursed, angry with the wizard for beating around the bush.

"There is a living _thing_ growing inside Bilbo's stomach. I say living thing because I don't know _what _it truly is. That pain you mentioned Bilbo having? It is most likely this little thing, growing and shifting and tugging at the hobbits intestines. Without a womb, it is growing inside your actual stomach, Bilbo."

"If we do not find a way to remove this from your body before it is fully grown, you will surely die. It will either wrap up your intestines so tightly that it kills you, or if you do somehow _live_ to carry it to term, the labor will most likely kill you. You have no proper parts to give his thing an exit, and babies simply don't crawl out of arse holes." Gandalf sighed, watching his hobbit friend stare in silent shock at him. It wasn't as if the wizard enjoyed bringing bad news.

"There has to be a way, there has to be someone who can help him, Gandalf!" Thorin has feeling a deep pain inside himself, having to imagine a world without his Bilbo in it.

"I have only one such individual in mind, but you aren't going to like it. And the journey to get to her will be long, Bilbo may or may not survive to even seek her help. I just don't know how much time that thing inside him will need to fully develop." Gandalf sighed, frustrated.

"Bilbo, how long do normal hobbit babies need to bake before they're ready to come out of their mum's oven?" Kili asked, waiting patiently for his frightened friend to respond.

"Ten months, it's ten months for hobbits." Bilbo finally spoke, his eyes distant looking.

"Ah, well, perhaps we will have enough time. But it's still up to Thorin, where we need to seek help, it's from the Lady Galadriel. She rules over Lothlorien." When Thorin only stared blankly at Gandalf's words, the wizard added, "Elf territory."

That got Thorin's attention, the dwarf frowned at first, then looked upon Bilbo and found himself losing the hatred he held for the elvish race. If this she-elf could heal Bilbo, then Thorin would undoubtedly go. As much as he hated elves, he hated more a possible future without his hobbit by his side.

"We leave in the morning." Was all the dwarf king needed to say, the nephews rushed off to tell the other dwarfs while Gandalf shuffled out, puffing on his pipe still to help ease his worry at finding a strange thing inside Bilbo.

With some privacy now, the dwarf king let down his guard, rested his weary head against Bilbo's shoulder, and let the tears he'd been fighting back fall from his saddened face. His guard down surprised the quiet hobbit, as Bilbo gently took his hand and stroked the sad hearted Thorin's head.

"It could be worse, you know. I could have been changed into an elf." He tried joking, finding his dear companions emotional display unusual, he didn't quite know how to ease the kings pain. Hell, Bilbo was the one possibly going to die here, if anyone should have been weepy, it should be him! And yet, the hobbit couldn't let the sadness take him, not when there was still hope. Bilbo was an optimist, after all. More so than Thorin at this moment.

Quietly, the hobbit comforted his king, letting the dwarf get out all his sadness. It was tough, being a king. You had to stay strong in the eyes of others, but at least Thorin had one person to turn to, to let down his guard to. It made Bilbo feel very flattered and privileged to be that special to Thorin. As long as he was able, the hobbit would always try to be there for his dwarf, for as long as Thorin needed him.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: Thorin is very, VERY emotional here, because he's thinking the worst, and worries that his hobbit is going to die and leave him to be alone forever. And that scares him badly, thus his emotional moment with optimist Bilbo. Bilbo's a trouper, he has faith that Gandalf's friend is going to save him. And I realize I haven't written about Kili's elf girlfriend yet, I'll get to that soon! Hope you're liking this so far!

so, I doodled a fun little drawing of Thorin and Bilbo running from the honking devil, if anyone feels like seeing it, it's on my deviantart page. Message me and I'll send you the link! Also, any of you fans been thinking about doing FanArt? If so I'd love to see it! :D


	4. Chapter 4

Thorin wanted an elite group to go on this journey, so he hand picked Dwalin, Ori, Nori and Dori. Along with his nephews Fili and Kili. Balin, Thorin's most trusted companion, would watch over the kingdom in his absence. Balin was good with managing trades and handling trivial town situations, the king would travel this journey feeling confident in the dwarf he'd left to manage Erebor.

The morning was filled with supplying themselves, double checking packs and weapons before they set out on foot. It'd be a long journey, but hopefully they'd return to their home with a completely heathy Bilbo in tow.

-0-0-

Tauriel watched silently, hidden from anyone's sight as she followed the troup of dwarfs movement. They were armed and packed as if for a long journey, and her Kili was among those venturing dwarfs!

Her king had ordered her to stay here to watch for an elf sneaking into the mountain, but Tauriel _was_ that elf, so there was really no point in this trivial task. In fact, the she elf had a bad feeling that her master _knew_ that it was her, and was making her do this as a sort of sick joke or possibly a punishment. Either way, she wasn't just going to stick around here forever. The elf was curious as to why the company of dwarfs were journeying, and was determined to abandon her post and follow the company.

With eagle eyes, she watched them reach Dale, and then head towards the ferry that would take them through Lake Town. With cat like reflexes, she jumped nimbly out of the tree she was hiding in, and began to follow at a distance. moving like a shadow, morphing into her surroundings as she discreetly followed after her lover and his traveling companions.

Kili, her secret companion, the dwarf who had won her silly heart over so easily. Why would he leave like this without somehow trying to let her know he'd be gone? That bothered her, but perhaps it was a sudden trip, something that hadn't been planned. She'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now, she was soft and lenient with him unlike so many other males she interacted with. Well, all except Legolas, he was a friend. She had thought that maybe she had loved him, but when she met Kili, every fiber in her being knew that what she had felt for Legolas could not compare to her feelings towards Kili.

Besides, Legolas's father had forbid her to have any kind of romantic relationship with his son. That she wasn't good enough for Legolas, being only a Silven elf. It had hurt her at first, but as time went by, and she spent more time with Kili, it didn't matter as much to her anymore. Legolas would most likely find a more suitable bride anyway, he was a good looking elf with a kingdom to inherit after all. Either way, that topic wasn't important to her, right now all she could think of was Kili, and wondering why he was headed out on a journey.

-0-0-

Legolas was very confused at the moment, he'd been ordered to watch Tauriel's actions, and right now she was not at _all_ on task. She was moving _away_ from the mountain, following the group of dwarfs that were headed towards Lake Town.

A big part of him wanted to interact and stop her, but he was told to only _watch_...Reluctantly he followed her, being quiet and staying out of her sight, wondering why the elf was going against his father's orders and leaving her post.

He had noticed Tauriel distancing herself from him, and it had confused Legolas. They had a good relationship, working well together on missions, going into battle knowing they'd have each others back, and now it seemed she didn't even want to talk with him anymore. Avoiding him during meals, having reasons for not joining him on hunts around Mirkwood, it was _strange_. He hadn't done anything that he knew of to offend her, so why was she behaving this way? Legolas even had asked around if Tauriel was dating some other elf, and no one had seen that going on. Yet she certainly _acted_ like there was possibly someone else, the way he'd find her looking off into the distance, sighing like a love sick youth.

Legolas liked her, a lot, and had thought that maybe one day when he was ready for it, he'd choose her as his bride. No other female matched her ferocity in battle, her stealth in more discreet missions. Her beauty was an obvious trait that caught his attention, yet in all this time together as a team in battle, he'd never once courted her. Perhaps he'd thought that he had all the time in the world, yet that didn't seem the case any longer. He was out of time, she had found someone to treat her as more than just a partner, and Legolas was kicking himself over this fact.

As he trailed her, he gazed again at the distant group of dwarfs, that's when he noticed _HIM_. That dwarf that barely had a beard, the one who brazenly flirted with Tauriel when he was a _prisoner_! So, perhaps Tauriel was leaving her post because of that dwarf! Oh Tauriel, how could you abandon your mission for someone like that!

Then again, maybe Legolas was jumping to _conclusions_. Maybe the dwarfs were up to no good and she was following them to eventually stop them...Sure, that was _really_ _believable_. Still, he'd try to think positively about this, and not just go off the handle until he understood the true reason behind her actions.

-0-0-

They had traveled beyond Lake Town, going until nightfall and setting up camp. It had been one long day, and everyone was exhausted. Most the group had already fallen asleep, Thorin was awake, sitting at the camp fire, gazing into the flames, deep in thought.

"Mind if I join you?" Bilbo asked, surprising the zoning out dwarf. Thorin simply nodded his head, feeling Bilbo's body next to his as he sat. The hairy footed companion cuddled against Thorin, warming the dwarfs heart as he took an arm and wrapped it around the hobbit.

"You looked like you could use some company." Bilbo commented, enjoying their peaceful moment together.

"I'm fine, just concerned about our journey. Also, I also keep feeling like we're being followed, but I don't see a damn thing. Maybe I'm just being paranoid." Thorin sighed, leaning his head to rest against Bilbo's.

"It'll be alright, Gandalf's with us, we'll get there before you know it." Bilbo tried being optimistic.

"I _want_ to believe it, but I've a hard time having faith in _elves_, Bilbo. What if we get there and she refuses to heal you? Or worse, she's unable to help at all..." Thorin spoke his concern, Bilbo was silent for a moment, considering his answer.

"Even if all that happens, I've at least spent my last moments with you, Thorin. Just so we're clear though, if you shack up with anyone else after I go, I will come back and haunt your dwarf ass!" Bilbo ended his words with a joke, making the dwarf chuckle and squeeze the hobbit gently.

"Bilbo, after you, there will be no other. I can promise you that." Thorin smiled sadly, kissing the top of the hobbit's head.

"Well, that's good to know, I was worried I'd be easily replaced."

"Ha! No other hobbit could pull the schemes and mischief you do, or be quite the pain in the ass that you are." Thorin laughed, Bilbo eyed his dwarf sourly.

"You act as if I'm only ever a naughty hobbit, I have nice traits as well! You enjoy my cooking."

"Yes, when you're not adding raspberries to it." Thorin teased, Bilbo stuck his tongue out at the dwarfs words.

"I'm also easy to talk to." Bilbo added to his list of positive traits.

"When you're not hormonal and moody." Thorin mumbled.

"What was that?!" Bilbo eyed his companion warningly.

"You're always such a level headed hobbit, you never get moody or hormonal." Thorin spoke sarcastically, making Bilbo lightly pinch the dwarfs arm.

"Such an arse!" He tisked at Thorin, still smiling though as he said it.

"And you wouldn't want me any other way." He commented, Bilbo only shrugged, cuddling into the dwarf more and stifling a yawn.

"You should rest, we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow." Thorin spoke gently, the hobbit only nodding as he stayed close and comfortable next to his king.

Soon, the tired hobbit was lightly snoring, leaning into Thorins embrace. Thorin carefully stood, holding the hobbit in his arms as he carried him over to his bedroll. Placing Bilbo down gently, the king placed a light blanket over the hobbit's body. Standing back and watching fondly as he companion slept peacefully. After a moment, the king went back to his post by the camp fire, looking off towards the distance and wondering. If they were truly being followed, what was the reason for it? Time would reveal all truths, the king would just have to be patient until then...

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.

A/N: Thanks for all your reviews/favorites and just plain old reading the story! It wasn't an extremely eventful chapter, but that's about to change. Lots of crap is going to hit the fan, keep a look out for another update soon!


	5. Chapter 5

They were traveling along the outskirts of Mirkwood, Thorin refused to go through, and rather have them all venture around the lands belonging to the elf king. Gandalf complained, but did not force the dwarf king to travel through the woods he disliked.

Many miles past them by, days were now turning into weeks as their journey continued on. When they found a human village to stock up on supplies, Thorin thought that maybe riding some ponies would get them to their destination faster. So the dwarf king, with out asking anyone's opinion first, bought enough ponies for all of the company.

The only problem he ran into, was finding a friendly mount for Bilbo. The man who sold Thorin the ponies informed Thorin that most of them were green broke, meaning little Bilbo would be having a heck of a time controlling his mount he wound up with. This worried Thorin, but there wasn't much he could do about it. He'd just have to stay close and keep a watchful eye on his hobbit, a tumble off a pony in Bilbo's current state might bring on troubling pain for him.

When he returned and informed his traveling companions that he'd purchased ponies, most dwarfs were fine with it. Gandalf had assumed Thorin had gotten him a horse, and had only used the term pony out of habit. To his dismay, the tall wizard was saddled with a short, stocky pony, his legs almost were dragging the ground when he mounted the tiny animal. The wandering wizard felt very foolish, riding along with these dwarfs, his knees bent funny so that he could look less lanky on the damn creature he rode.

Gandalf wasn't the only one with pony problems, Bilbo kept having issues with his mean little pony. She'd sometimes take her head and turn it to bite at his exposed foot, scaring the holy crap out of him as he dodged wobbly, cursing the mean nag. She also kept behaving stubbornly, sometimes stopping and not willing to go forward, and when she did the little brat crow hopped with him, making him cry and hold on tightly.

Thorin saw how the animal was harassing Bilbo, sensing his unease a top her and testing her inexperienced rider mercilessly. It pissed him off, watching that pony give Bilbo fits for no damn good reason. Finally he had had enough and ordered everyone to halt.

"What's wrong, Uncle?" Kili asked first, everyone watched as Thorin dismounted and marched over towards Bilbo. Currently the mare was tossing her head unnecessarily, trying to keep moving when Bilbo tried making her stand still with the others. Her attitude was impatient as she started to side step, taking control of the hobbit when he should have been the one handling her.

Thorin grabbed her reins, granted he did it a bit _roughly_, jerking it enough for the pissy mare to pay attention to him.

"Get down, Bilbo." He commanded, his eyes level with the snotty pony, the two were both sizing each other up as the hobbit dismounted, shaking lightly from his body being so uncomfortable riding the ornery mare. She was a fat, white speckled pony, with little pig eyes and a big roman nose.

"Ride my mount for a while, I'm going to teach this mare some manners." He spoke determinedly, waiting until Bilbo was on the calmer steed before mounting the naughty mare.

"Alright, move out. If you notice me going off course, just ignore it. I'm just going to get a bit of piss and vinegar out of her." He informed the others, making the mare wait as her herd mates moved forward with out her. She whinnied and pawed the ground with her eager hooves, trying to toss her head, but Thorin wouldn't allow it. As the group kept going forward, Thorin urged the herd bound mare towards the right. They were traveling through some rocky terrain and what better way to wear her down than to do switch backs along the rocky hills?

At first she tried just going forward, ignoring Thorin until he jerked her head around, making her do circles until she did the correct thing, standing still and willingly giving her head to him. He released his tight rein so that she was rewarded for paying attention and doing as he wanted.

"Alright, we're going right, you head strong pony." He spoke to her, nudging her ribs with his booted heels and was pleased to have her minding him. He followed the ground from the right, doing switch backs and other silly back and forth motions to get her energy spent.

Everything was going fine, until her hooves hit a patch of loose rocks. She started to slide, the rocks slipping under her as Thorin tried getting her to move towards stabler ground. It was too late though, he'd gotten to better ground, but her previous movements had started a rock slide!

He called down to warn them all below, as the rocks started gaining speed, headed towards his still unaware company. Fili looked up and saw the rocks coming, he yelled and kicked his pony into a gallop, the others following suit and doing the same.

Bilbo was the last in line, his pony doing a slow canter for the nervous hobbit, the animal simply wasn't moving fast enough! Thorin watched in horror as the rocks started to rain down on Bilbo and his mount, the horse spooking and jerking sideways, making Bilbo tumble off and roll towards the direction of the group. His pony kept going sideways, the rocks moving him until suddenly, the animal wasn't there anymore!

There happened to be a ravine, a very deep one, the poor animal had fallen down into it, the large amount of rocks sliding off the edge and into the ravine after him, undoubtedly crushing the unfortunate creature to death. As the dust settled, for there was a great deal of it, Thorin carefully made his way towards where he'd last seen Bilbo. His worried eyes searched until he found the curled up hobbit. He had a few cuts and bruises, as far as the dwarf could see. He dismounted quickly and went to Bilbo's side.

"Bilbo, speak to me!" He shook the hobbit gently.

Gandalf and company could be heard riding towards them, as Bilbo uncurled himself and blinked up at Thorin.

"Is your horse alright?" He coughed, looking at Thorin questioningly.

"He went over that ravine." Thorin spoke, looking over Bilbo's body carefully. "Are you in pain?" He asked of the hobbit.

"Damn. I'm sorry Thorin. If I had stayed on that mare, you'd still have your pony." He sighed in dismay, making Thorin shake his head in bewilderment.

"I'm glad it was the animal and not you, Bilbo. If you'd stayed on this horse, that easily could have been you over the edge." He spoke his honest opinion, Bilbo looked at the pony behind Thorin.

"Is she behaving any better now?" He asked, Thorin stood and helped up his lightly cut and bruised friend.

"Well, she's no Minty, but she'll do. Come on, you're riding with me from now on." The king informed his companion, sweeping him up and placing him on the pony. Thorin mounted after, careful not to whack Bilbo in the head as his leg swung over the saddle.

"Everything alright?" Dwalin called, the group now only a few yards away.

"Fine, lets get going." Thorin motioned the mare into a trot, chuckling as the hobbit squeezed him like a pillow.

"As long as you have me at the reins, there's no need to worry, little one. "He told Bilbo, taking his rein free and and squeezing one of the hobbits that was around his waist.

-0-0-

By the Eldar, that had been a frightful scene! Watching that poor creature plummet down and get smothered in tumbling rocks. Tauriel was glad she had stayed back this much! Silently she watched as the dust settled, her vision clearer as she watched the dwarf leader hurry his pony to a curled up Bilbo. The hobbit had been lucky, if he had not tumbled off when he had...

The group was coming over to the kingly dwarf, hailing him as they neared. Thorin helped the little one on then mounted after, leading the group onward. She waited a while before following, about to move when a sound caught her attention. Rocks, lightly sliding together was what she heard, the elf turned and looked, seeing nothing but sensing a form watching her.

She drew her blades, backing towards the direction Kili had gone with his friends, searching around for anything out of the ordinary as she backed away. Nothing popped out, so reluctantly she turned and started jogging towards the direction of her boyfriend. Ears alert for anything coming behind her as she moved quickly, and quietly.

-0-0-

That had been very close, Legolas was not usually that sloppy. He actually made a noise, and had almost been noticed by Tauriel. He felt annoyed with himself as he followed silently, and at a greater distance. Her guard was up, and he still wanted her to not know of his presence just yet.

He couldn't believe they had traveled this long, what kept him from confronting her and making Tauriel come home with him? Well, he knew she was doing this for her own reasons, and didn't want to stop her. Not until things got really out of hand. When things started to get funny, or weird, he'd do the right thing and confront her.

Oh, if his father could see him now, journeying way beyond their boundaries, following dwarfs. The king would have had a gigantic lecture ready for him, boring his son while also only making him want to explore even more. It's not that he didn't _try_ to please his father, because Legolas _did_. But some days were harder than others, the Mirkwood king was hard to always satisfy. Especially when you didn't fully agree with what he ordered you to do, those were the really hard days. But at least for now, Legolas was free to follow Tauriel, without getting a stern talking to from his strong willed parent.

Night was settling in, he could see the fire of the dwarfs camp from where he stood. Quietly he surveyed Tauriel in a tree, hidden from everyone but him. For a long while he stood there, observing and finding the stillness a bit tiresome, that was when she hopped down. He moved a bit closer and followed her movements with his keen eyes.

She was dangerously close to the dwarf camp, worrying him. He was about to unsheathe his swords when her actions stopped him.

She was taking tiny rocks and chucking them at something inside the camp! This confused Legolas a great deal as he continued to watch the oddity. Finally she halted, standing very still one moment, then hustling off, back towards her original tree spot.

That _dwarf_! He was _following_ her! Legolas had his bow ready as he moved in closer, ready to save Tauriel if the dwarf tried attacking, when the most outrageous thing happened. She embraced the dwarf and began placing her lips upon him passionately! He leaned against a near by tree, Legolas was so shocked by the display. His bow was limply hanging in his drooping hand as he kept seeing more unthinkable things going on between dwarf and elf.

Urgent hands were groping, tongues were licking, it was becoming hard to breath now, as he watched, feeling his stomach rolling in nausea at the unwelcome tragedy occurring before his very eyes. An elf with a dwarf? Kissing? Hugging? Possibly fuc...No, he couldn't imagine that scenario! He just couldn't!

Uneasily, the confused and sick feeling Legolas slid to the ground, leaning his back against the tree behind him and throwing his head back. The elf closed his eyes and concentrated on breathing evenly. He was feeling light headed, and needed to pull through this emotional breakdown he was having.

-0-0-

After kissing and holding each other passionately, the she-elf was the first to pull back and ask the reason why Kili was journeying with his group.

"Bilbo's really sick, and Gandalf thinks this Lady Gald-something is going to be able to help him." Kili spoke with a shrug, trying to kiss her once more, but received only her cheek instead of her lips.

"Do you mean Lady Galadriel? The Lady of Light? Your friend must be very ill to need her help." Tauriel commented, the horny youth nodding simply and trying to playfully slip off her clothing.

"What's the matter with him?" She asked, moving away his hands to halt his persistent tugging and pulling.

"He's got something strange inside him, growing. Gandalf can't remove it so he thinks that Lady can." Kili answered her, his lips quickly going to hers before she could stop him.

Tauriel let him kiss her a moment longer, before pulling back again.

"I was sent to watch the mountain, the king has heard there's been an elf sneaking about the dwarf home. I'm suppose to be there right now, but instead I followed you. I have a distinct feeling my master knows that it is I who sneak within the mountain. I might not be able to return to Mirkwood after this disobedience, Kili." She searched his face for what she hoped to see.

"Live with me then, even if my uncle forbids it, we'll just live together somewhere else then." He answered her, taking his right hand and twirling his fingers through her long, soft hair.

"You'd truly do so for me?" She smiled sweetly at him, feeling pleased that he felt so strongly towards her.

"Yes." He stated simply, cupping her cheek and kissing her lovingly.

A strange, animalistic sound startled them, pausing their kiss as they looked around uncertainly. Whatever it was, it sounded terrible! Tauriel urged him to go back to camp so that she could search for the unknown creature.

Reluctantly, he went, but not before holding her tightly and kissing the maiden one final time. With flushed cheeks she watched him go back, her eyes leaving his form to begin her search for that weird sounding creature...

-0-0-

He had opened his eyes and seen them passionately doing things again, the elf couldn't help it! With so much mixed emotions inside him and feeling grossed out at watching her face pressed against all that _hair_...Legolas vomited. He vomited hard, and he vomited a large amount, making a god awful noise while doing it too. He couldn't help it at this point, all he could do was barf, stopping here and there to pant and spit.

After a few moments the vomiting subsided, the elf trembling from the exhaustion he felt from relinquishing so much of his stomach contents. Small, shallow breaths were made as he tried to calm down his body, knowing he was vulnerable in this unfortunate situation.

His ears picked up the light sounds of elfin footsteps, the shaky Legolas got to his feet and hid within the foliage, trying to breath quietly as he watched Tauriel walk past, never noticing him.

'_That's it, in the morning I'm going to confront her! This is not befitting of her, she needs to stop all this before its too late!'_ Legolas thought to himself, having had enough of this "simply watch" bullshit.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.


	6. Chapter 6

"Uncle, can we talk for a minute?" Kili asked his kin, watching as Thorin motioned Dwalin to leave then for a moment. That look in Kili's eyes screamed private conversation, and that worried his uncle. Was the dwarf going to admit to his crimes, and tell Thorin about his negative actions with the female elf?

Kili crouched down next to the roaring camp fire, Thorin bent down and sat comfortably next to the fire, waiting and feeling nervous as his nephew took his sweet time to begin.

"Uncle, hypothetically speaking, as in, what if a dwarf did something, not that it's really happened or anything..."

"Kili, I know what hypothetical means. Go on already." Thorin urged his dark haired nephew.

Scratching his head awkwardly, Kili smiled uneasily at his uncle, "So, hypothetically speaking here, what would you do if you found out, lets just say _Fili_, was dating an elf?" He worded his question carefully, using his brothers name to fool Thorin.

Thorin knew _exactly_ what the youth was trying to do, "Well, Kili. I'm afraid I'd have your brother taken out and killed." He was only kidding, but the look on Kili's face got very frightened.

"Kili, _I'm joking_." He sighed, watching relief fill the young dwarfs face, "Though in honesty, I wouldn't be too pleased with _Fili_. I'd hope that he'd see that elves weren't a good race to mix with and do the right thing and break up with her." He informed Kili.

"But uncle, what of _Fili's_ elf girlfriend was going to be banned from her own home, because of her involvement with us dwarfs? Wouldn't you feel sorry for her?" He looked pleadingly at his uncle, wanting to hear some compassion from his mentor.

"That's _her_ problem to deal with. I have enough dwarfs and a hobbit on my plate to take care of, I'm not going to take in an elf as well!" Thorin shook his head at the thought.

"But what if _Fili_ really loves her, uncle?! Would you risk _Fili_ leaving just to be with her?" He asked, receiving an odd look from Thorin.

"What do you mean, leave? No body leaves the mountain unless I say they can go! I'd drag his ass back and chain him in his room if I had to!"

Bilbo had been listening, _eavesdropping really_, and had heard enough to finally step in. "Thorin, you're being insensitive again." He spoke from behind the king, surprising him and making Thorin jump.

"Damn it Bilbo, don't pop out like that! What if I'd thrown a weapon at you?!" He scolded the hobbit.

Bilbo rolled his eyes at that as he sat down next to the dwarfs, "Thorin, you've got to look at this from a different point of view. What if you were in Ki...I mean _Fili's_ position. What if your father forbid you from being with me?"

"I'd tell him to go to Hell." The dwarf responded, his eyes widening at the realization of how similar the cases were. But Bilbo hadn't been an elf! That was a major difference, elves and dwarfs just didn't get along, so why would an elf and dwarf seek out one another in companionship, when the whole thing was doomed to begin with?

"Bilbo's right, uncle. You married a hobbit after all, so what difference does it make if _Fili_ wants to be with an elf?" Kili questioned, glad for the hobbit's support.

"Dwarfs aren't known enemies of Hobbits, unlike the elf race. That's the difference, Kili. Now I think I've heard enough for one night." Thorin stood from his seated position, looking down at his nephew who looked disappointed.

"This is all hypothetical talk anyway, right Kili? What makes any of this so important?" He was trying to give his kin the opportunity to confess.

"Right, hypothetical." He hollowly spoke, looking away from Thorin's stare and gazing sadly into the fire.

-0-0-

"You knew _exactly_ why he was asking you all those questions! Why were you so cruel to him?" Bilbo chided his marching away companion. The hobbit was annoyed at Thorin's attitude towards Kili, so what if the fellow was in love with an elf? If he was truly happy with her, that's all that should matter in Bilbo's eyes.

"Oh, I _knew_ what the little _brat_ was getting at, I just wanted him to _admit it_, and he didn't! So why should I be lenient to him when he continues to lie to me?" Thorin prattled on, stopping and turning to face his following hobbit.

"Kili can't be with an elf, Bilbo! Can you imagine? 'Hello, I'm Thorin Oakenshield and this is my nephew, Kili and his harlot elf wife. Won't their babies look just adorable'?" He spat sarcastically, hurting Bilbo's feelings unintentionally in doing so.

The hobbit's hand rested on his stomach, his eyes cast down.

"Bilbo, I didn't mean..."

"Didn't mean _what_, Thorin? It's not like I'm carrying a _monster child_ inside me or anything..." He was sarcastic, looking at the ground as he rubbed his plump tummy.

"Bilbo, you've been enchanted. It's not as if its mine you're carrying..."

"But what if it was, hmm? You seem so disgusted with the idea of mixed race babies, wouldn't our child gross you out as well?" He glared at the blank faced king.

"Bilbo, I care for you greatly, and if you were able to truly carry a babe without magic involved, I'd care for our child too. But since you _can't_ have babies, this moment being an exception, there's no reason to even bring up the topic." Thorin stated his opinion, watching his companion shake his head.

"You're playing favorites, and that's unfair of you. That young dwarf was trying to have a heart to heart with you and you just treated him like a child! He's an adult now, Thorin, and he's looking for your blessing. If you don't give it willingly, he's bound to take off and run away with her some day, is that what you want?"

"Fili would still be around to inherit the kingdom, let the little troublemaker go if he's stupid enough to leave us!" Thorin stubbornly spoke, making his hobbit very sad.

-0-0-

That morning, Tauriel awoke from her resting spot to see a very familiar, and very unhappy looking elf.

"_Legolas_? You _followed_ me?" She was completely shocked, looking at her friend worriedly, wondering what he was going to say. She was in trouble, that much was obvious by the look about his usually handsome face. The elf looked like he had been under the weather lately, his eyes slightly red and his body smelling of old vomit.

"I was told to watch you while at the Lonely Mountain. I followed you this far hoping you had a good reason for disobeying my fathers order. But now I see that's not the case. I saw you, Tauriel. With that dwarf last evening." He paused, assessing her body language and facial expression.

Her cheeks flushed crimson as her lips parted to make a big O with her mouth. "Legolas..." She tried talking, but he interrupted.

"I've never felt so _sick_, watching you behave so unbecomingly with that pint sized _pervert_! You could have had a better life, but now you've chosen a path that can't simply be undone, Tauriel."

"Well maybe I don't wish to undo it! I'm in love with him, Legolas. Get use to it, because my hearts not about to change its mind, you can never order _it_ around!" She spoke up to him, making the blond elf frown deeper at her.

"Leave me, Legolas. I'd rather be outcast than return to Mirkwood." She made to step away, the quick acting blond stopping her. His hand gripped her upper arm, his blue eyes determined.

"You're being _foolish_, Tauriel! You're coming back, even if I have to drag you the whole way." He was tense, watching her closely, ready to pounce if she started to resist.

Tauriel knew Legolas was a challenging opponent. Their fighting skills were well matched, but maybe there was another way she could avoid capture...

"I've been sleeping with him, _Legolas_." She began, getting a disgusted look from her captor, "We do all sorts of _crazy positions_, I just love shoving my face into all that _hair_..."

"_Stop it_, Tauriel! _No more_!" He hissed, his mouth trying hard not to gag.

"What's wrong? Does his hair bother you? Well, you wouldn't believe how much he's got in other, more private places on his body..." She smirked, his grip was looser now, he was coughing, trying hard to to turn it into a gag, but that was a losing battle for Legolas.

"Sometimes, it even gets in my _mouth_." That's the sentence that did it! Legolas let her go and turned to loudly hurl his guts out.

Tauriel laughed loudly as she ran away from him, feeling that at least she'd have a head start before he stopped puking enough to pursue her.

As she ran, she heard him curse loudly, perhaps he was to follow her sooner than she had planned. Without meaning to, the she elf headed towards the direction of the dwarf camp.

Her sharp ears could pick up his heavy breathing, he was following her alright! And she bet he was one pissed off son of an Orc by now. Her feet flew as she zoomed into the outskirts of the camp, she heard him coming closer, the elf turned right as Legolas leapt, landing on her and causing them to roll all the way into the middle of the dwarf camp, surprising the occupants greatly as everyone watched out for the tumbling pair.

"Tauriel!" Kili cried, picking up his bow and pointing at the rolling pair, unable to fire, fearing he'd hit his beloved. Everyone gathered around the brawling elves, making a huge circle.

"My money's on the blond one." Dwalin joked, getting a stern glare from the unamused Thorin. The king had yet to call the dwarfs to break up the fight, annoying Kili as he waited for the rolling to stop.

Tauriel pinned him on the ground, holding a short blade against his throat.

"_Relent_, Legolas. I don't want to kill you!" She yelled angrily at him. Her hair was tangled, dirty, and messy with twigs and leafs. This fact made her even angrier with the stubborn blond, she _liked_ her hair clean and shiny, now it just looked like _shit_!

A random cough got her attention, the auburn haired lass looking around at the dwarfs and hobbit staring at them.

"Uncle Thorin, meet Tauriel, she's my girlfriend." Kili decided to announce this to the entire group, walking over and pointing at her with a proud smile on his silly face, "Isn't she a _bad ass_?!" He almost squealed with delight at stating the obvious, making the she elf sigh embarrassedly.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

-0-0-

A/N: So, there's going to be a special give away soon, for all you Bilbo Misadventure fans out there! I'm currently working on two very special Bilbo and Thorin custom my little ponies. They'll be given away as a pair, and I will be shipping them only within the United States (sorry foreign viewers, I'm unable to afford shipping for you all.)

Its going to be a little while before I announce when the little give away contest begins, but I do know I want it to involve the comment sections of these stories. Like 50th commenter gets the ponies, something like that. Just a way for me to show my deepest appreciation for all you enjoying these adventures! Find the WIP pic of them on my DA ( ) account (VashandNaomiForever), give it a look if you want, more WIP photos will be posted soon! Also considering accessories for these ponies, like Thorin's oaken shield. Let me know what you think about this give away contest idea, I'm always eager to hear your opinions. :)


	7. Chapter 7

"Ah good! Thanduriel must have sent you to help us on our quest, splendid! Things will go much smoother with Legolas accompanying us, the prized fighter of Mirkwood, also the son of the king." Gandalf smiled, happy to have more assistance. He was making a very big assumption here, having been preoccupied when the rough housing elves had disrupted the camp. He looked down at the elves, patiently waiting for the female to stop her _horseplay_ and let up Legolas.

Tauriel and Legolas glanced at each other wearily, a silent truce happening between them momentarily as she withdrew her blade and nimbly hopped off the blond male. Legolas quickly stood, looking at Gandalf stonily as he verbally, though somewhat hollowly, agreed that they'd been sent to help the group of dwarfs.

"Alright, well then, shall we be off?" The wizard looked about everyone, his glances making dwarfs shuffle off and finish packing up the camp.

Thorin Oakenshield was ominously quiet, eying the elves like a wart that needed urgent removal. Bilbo tugged on the dwarf king's sleeve, meaning to get his attention so that Kili could have a moment with his lady friend.

Reluctantly Thorin allowed his hobbit to lead him off towards their previous errand, rolling up beds and reloading packs.

Gandalf was now busily conversing with the _very_ disinterested Legolas, while Tauriel was pulled off privately by her dwarf companion. Kili, once out of anyone's sight, hugged her to him happily, before pulling back and asking her why she had brought along her blond friend.

"I didn't _bring_ him, Kili. He _followed_ me here. I'm thankful he went along with the wizards assumption, I don't wish to truly harm him. Yet he's insistent that I come back to Mirkwood with him." She groaned to her boyfriend, extremely annoyed with Legolas and his attitude.

"I won't let him take you back, he'll have to kill me first." Kili proudly puffed out his chest, trying to put on a dashing display for his lady.

"Don't think he _wouldn't_, Kili. He saw us last night, and was not pleased at all with our open fondness for one another. I had to escape his first capture attempt by grossing him out with information about our private moments..."

"Tauriel, you _didn't_!" The dwarf blushed, looking over in the direction of the blond elf, noticing that the guy was also trying to look at them as well!

"What we do is _private_, now he's going to look at me very strangely during this whole trip, I just know it!" The dwarf complained, his lady chuckled at the dwarfs silly behavior.

"You should have seen how he reacted when I mentioned the hair you cover up, he started retching! It was very amusing." She informed her lightly frowning lover.

"You told him about my _pubes_? _Really_ Tauriel! Now I'm going to blush every time he looks at me so!" Kili joked, making his maiden laugh.

"I'm sure he's bound to look at you rudely this entire journey, nothing can help that now." She sighed a bit tiredly, wishing the blond hadn't followed her at all.

-0-0-

Gandalf noticed the elf looking off into the direction of his female counterpart, the one who was with Kili at the moment. Their combined chuckling could be heard as the wizard looked towards them, and then back to Legolas, "It appears _that_ ship has sailed, Legolas. Should have wooed that one before she got a taste for dwarf, eh?" His words brought forth a dark look from the blond, making the wizard cough awkwardly, embarrassed.

"Any who, since we are short on our number of ponies, you'll have to ride double with someone. Since I've noticed your dislike of dwarfs, you're welcome to ride along with me. My pony may be short, but he's a strong little devil." Gandalf commented, receiving no words from the still moody faced elf.

Thorin had overheard Gandalf speaking with the male elf, noticing that the blond was staring off towards the female of his race with concern and worry. This gave the dwarf an idea, a plan that might benefit both parties.

"Bilbo, I'm going to have a talk with that elf." Thorin informed his watchful hobbit.

"Now Thorin, don't start anything. Kili needs a moment with her."

"No, not _that_ one! The other elf." He hissed at his companion, annoyed with Bilbo's instant Mother Hen attitude towards his nephew.

"Oh." Bilbo was surprised and a bit relieved at this information. "Alright then." He conceded, agreeably letting the dwarf march off to speak with the blond elf.

"Gandalf, I'd like a word with our new _traveling companion_." Thorin spoke authoritatively towards the wizard, wanting some privacy with the blond.

"Ah, of course." The gray headed fellow smiled before wandering away, probably to go boss around some dwarfs that weren't packing fast enough to his liking.

"It's easy to tell that you've got feelings towards that female over there." Thorin nodded in the direction of his nephew and the she-elf.

"It would also seem my nephew has feelings for her as well. But I see a positive solution to your problem, it coincides with my own. Neither one of us wishes for my nephew to be with her." He quietly informed the skeptical looking elf.

"I think it is for the best that when we do part ways, she goes willingly with you, and _not_ with my nephew." Thorin paused, gazing about discreetly just in case the hobbit was trying to listen in.

"You need to woo her, an act that doesn't seem to come easy for you. But I will provide assistance, while I make my nephew do odd errands, keeping them apart as long as possible, you make your move and try sweet talking the lass." Thorin spoke his idea, the elf had a distant, yet thoughtful look about his face. "This is going to be a long enough journey that surly you can win her over within that amount of time." He watched as the blond made a small nod of his head, a positive sign.

"So what do you say, shall we work together towards the same goal? Or trip over each other by not cooperating with one another? The choice is yours." He waited, searching for any significant sign from the elf.

"It seems we are on the same side, so I accept your truce." He spoke after a long moment of thinking.

"A truce then." Thorin nodded, turning his head towards the direction of his kin.

"Kili! Are you packing or do I have to send Bilbo in to nit pick your terrible work ethic?"

"Nooo!" Kili called, shuffling sounds informed the king that his young kin was becoming busy with work instead of busily talking with the elf lass.

-0-0-

Legolas felt ridiculous riding double with the wizard. Gandalf already took up much of the animals back, his long, toothpick like legs bent weirdly so that his feet wouldn't drag along the ground. Legolas's own legs were positioned funny, in his attempt to keep them out of the dirt. His hands clasped the wizards belt, unhappily hanging onto the smelly old geezer.

His face felt like it would forever frown as they trudged onward, his frown only deepening when the pony holding Tauriel and her dwarf, would trot by. Why did she have to ride so closely with the young dwarf?! Why not put her on a mount with some other dwarf that didn't have a crush on her? He'd have to bring that up to the kingly dwarf, the next time they spoke.

It had surprised him at first, the leader of this group wanting to help with Legolas's problem. Then again, no sensible dwarf would agree to such a pairing as Tauriel with Kili. Legolas had assumed that since Thorin had married a hobbit, that perhaps his view on interracial partnerships was a positive one. Go figure that the hypocritical fellow didn't like the elf with the dwarf, when he himself was with a hobbit.

It mattered little, all that mattered was that the king would attempt assistance, by busying his nephew so that Legolas could try and get the affections of Tauriel. A goal that seemed reasonable enough, Legolas was an attractive elf after all, why wouldn't she just fall for him right away? Maybe it was because all they ever spoke about was battle related things, he didn't speak words of romance to Tauriel. He knew little of romantic things, making it hard to mentally prepare what to say to the female once he got her alone.

Undoubtedly she'd be defensive, after their last spat. He'd have to be convincing, show her he wasn't trying anything deceitful. Time would make things appear more truthful, and at least they'd have enough of that to spare on their journey to the Lady of Light.

-0-0-

Thandriul was losing his sense of humor over the joke of a mission he'd sent Tauriel on. So after a month, the king sent out an elf to go retrieve both Legolas and Tauriel. When the elf came back with news that they hadn't been there, the king's mind instantly went to,_ "Oh by the stars, tell me those idiots didn't run away together! If Legolas ran off to be with her, so help me!"_ He fumed at this idea for a moment, then he stopped, another possibility entering his mind.

"Gather some troops, were going to visit the Dwarf king." He ordered his guards, watching them rush about and gather more elves.

Maybe Tauriel had been caught! And Legolas saw this and went after her! Those dwarfs had to have them, that could be the only true possibility!

-0-0-

Balin was very surprised to be visited by Thandriul and his rather large group of guards. When he asked what brought the elf king to their humble mountain, the strange elf started to prattle on about his missing elves, and how he knew the dwarfs had captured them.

"We've done no such thing! There aren't any elves in this mountain!"

"We'll just see about that!" The king had pushed his way through, barking out orders to his minions to search the mountain for any sign of their missing elf companions.

"This is outrageous! I don't think _Thorin_ would appreciate your men scouring the mountain so rudly!"

"Where is your king? I've more reason to speak with him than you..." The elf king looked down upon Balin as if he were an ant to be squashed.

"He is _out_. Little Bilbo is sick and so Gandalf is leading them to the Lady of Light to heal the hobbit." Balin informed his impolite guest, putting his hands on his hips and looking determinedly up at the leering elf.

"You need to take your men and _leave_, if Thorin knew of how rude you were behaving I'm certain he'd be much more violent towards you than I currently am." Balin waited, watching the elf's fluffy black eyebrows come together uncertainly.

Their conversation was postponed, a guard was returning hurriedly towards his elf master, "My Lord, we found something." He informed his ruler.

"_Aha_! Not hiding anything, indeed!" He glared at the dwarf before turning back to his loyal subject, "Is it him? Is it my son?" He asked urgently.

"Sire, we did not find Legolas, but we did find these..." Two more elf's came from behind him, carrying colossal sized antlers. The sight caused Balin to curse, knowing they all were in deep trouble.

The Mirkwood ruler's eyes were sharp and knowing, gazing unbelieving at first at his precious elks...

The mountain shook that day, not from any earthquake or dragon attack, but from Thanduriel's uncaged fury. He was a raging typhoon in his anger, screaming and crying in elvish, ordering half his men to return to deposit the sacred antlers in Mirkwood, the other half was to prepair for a long journey. They were going to find Thorin Oakenshield and company, and when they _did_, reparations would be made!

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.

A/N: thanks for reading everyone! And as always thank you for reviewing as well! What do you think is going to happen to our characters? Think Legolas stands a chance against Kili? Will his uncle be stopped by the watchful hobbit? Will Bilbo make it to the Lady of Light in time? Will Gandalf ever find a more suitable mount? Lol, find out soon!


	8. Chapter 8

"Atta boy, Minty!" Kili patted his pony, after doing a trick with the nicely mannered and quick to learn steed. He'd been teaching his little pony all sorts of neat things! Like how to sneak a carrot out of Kili's back pocket! Though, in teaching him that, the pony began taking other things out of people's pockets, like Bilbo's handkerchief and Ori's beard brush. It had upset a few people, his pony being a bit playful and taking their things, but _Kili_ still thought the pony was cute with his learned behavior.

He had also taught the steed how to kneel down to mount him easier, how to do this fun rearing trick where he'd hop like a bunny on his back legs before landing back down on all four. It was amazing how easy it was! Tauriel has been a big help, she would talk kindly to the pony, sometimes in elvish. The pony really responded well to her kind words and gentle pets. Making it all that more easier to teach him nifty little tricks!

Kili and Tauriel were riding about the group, Kili making his pony do some fun prancing about, laughing and smiling as his lady held onto him happily.

"You're the best pony I've ever had, Minty Junior!" Kili praised the pony, doing so as he passed by his uncle and Bilbo.

"_What_ did you call that pony?!" Thorin demanded, his ears ever alert to things relating to his beloved pony.

"Minty Junior..." Kili spoke wearily. At the time, Kili had named the pony as a way to honor his uncle's prized pony, but now it seemed his reason behind naming his mount was irrelevant. Uncle Thorin had that look in his eyes, the kind of look that stated, 'You're ass is in deep trouble!'

"Don't you _dare_ call that pony by my sweet mare's name ever again! It's _blasphemous_!" Thorin raged, while Bilbo groaned in annoyance at his companions irrational behavior.

"But uncle, I did it because I thought it would make you happy." Kili pulled out his puppy dog eye routine, this time it wasn't an instant hit with the pissed off uncle. He took things relating to Minty very seriously.

"Call that pony Minty Junior one more time, and your little _friend_ behind you gets to ride double with _Dwalin_ the rest of our journey!" He threatened, making Kili gasp and nod his head hurriedly.

"Yes uncle..." Kili agreed, not wishing to be parted from his lady. As his uncle rode ahead, out of ear shot once more, Kili leaned in and whispered to his pony, "Its alright, boy. I'll just call you Junior, but you'll know what I _really_ mean when I say it." He chuckled, petting his steed's silky soft neck before urging him into a faster pace. What uncle didn't know couldn't hurt him...

-0-0-

They were following the Anduin River, Gandalf had informed the group that if they kept following the river, they'd get to the Lady Galadriel all the sooner. It was a very long river, and the group still had many miles to go, but it made Bilbo feel better knowing they were on the right path. Lately his stomach pains had been more frequent, hurting him very badly, to the point that he almost passed out over the intensity of it.

Thorin was riding now with the hobbit securely in front, so that if the fellow did pass out, his dwarf companion would easily catch and hold onto him. Thorin tried his best to do things like that to look out for his little hobbit. He wasn't a fan of imagining his little Bilbo falling off their pony and hurting himself even more.

When Bilbo wasn't in pain, he felt normal enough, making small talk with Thorin and the rest of the company. He had noticed the blond elf leering after Kili as he'd ride about playfully among the group, his elf lass behind him smiling happily. It was obvious that the blond one liked Kili's girlfriend, she didn't seem to pay _him_ much mind at all though, which was _good_, because she was suppose to be with Kili after all.

It worried Bilbo a little though, he knew how people's hearts could make them do irrational things to get what they desired. What if that male elf wanted Tauriel badly enough that he tried to hurt Kili? That wouldn't happen though! There was a group of dwarfs here to take vengeance on such an act, the elf wouldn't possibly try _that_ scenario. Still...the way he looked at Kili, it kept Bilbo's attention. Apparently he'd been staring long enough the the elf had noticed. The blond looked over at Bilbo, stared directly at him and raised one well groomed eyebrow, "Is there something you wish to say?" He called towards Bilbo, making the hobbit blush.

Thorin looked down at Bilbo, and then over to the elf who'd just spoken.

"I'm sorry for staring, I'm just not use to such clean shaven company." Bilbo lamely excused himself, the elf shrugged and turned his attention elsewhere.

"My hobbit is now fascinated by the clean shaven elf?" Thorin playfully teased the hobbit, "I've a mind to dump you off for staring so much at that _girly_ _boy_." He was being ornery with Bilbo, making the hobbit tisk and shake his head.

"Why were you _really_ staring at him?" Thorin inquired, seriously wanting to know.

"I keep noticing he stares at Kili as if he'd like to throttle him. I'm guessing that Kili isn't the only one in love with that pretty elf lass." Bilbo expressed his opinion, receiving hostility from his dwarf partner.

"Don't _say_ that word! I refuse to call it _love_ between those two! It is an unhealthy _obsession_, nothing more!" Thorin growled, looking over at his nephew Kili with loathing.

"_Thorin_! You're being unreasonable again, what's so _wrong_ in saying that they're in love?" Bilbo demanded to know, finding his dwarf friend's attitude insufferable.

"Love is a very meaningful word, Bilbo. One not so easily used upon such an _unworthy_ pairing." He snorted in his contempt over it.

"Thorin, how come you've never used it on _me_?" Bilbo cautiously asked, bringing on an awkward silence between them, the kingly dwarfs cheeks were flushed as he chewed on his lower lip uneasily.

"Thorin?" Bilbo said his name again after a few more long moments of silence.

"_Don't push me_, Bilbo!" He moodily huffed, feeling very warm and incredibly trapped with the hobbit resting in front of him, making no easy way for an escape from this serious question that frightened Thorin so very badly.

"Halt the ponies!" He hailed the group, surprising everyone as he dismounted quickly, leaving a bewildered and pissed off hobbit to sit on their pony alone.

"We'll rest the ponies for a few hours, let them drink and refresh themselves." He informed the entire group looking towards him. "Kili, I want you and your brother to scout ahead while we rest." He started to order his nephews.

"But uncle, I want to stay here, next to Tauriel. Can't she come along as well?" Kili pleaded, not wanting to be parted from his lovely maiden.

"I can still bend you over my knee, _boy_. Is that something you wish for her to watch?" Thorin growled irritably, giving his kin the stink eye.

"No, uncle..." Kili's lower lip jutted out as he followed Fili to go scout, leaving behind his elf lass.

-0-0-

"Thorin Oakenshield, you _can not_ ignore me forever! I'm talking to you! Hello?" Bilbo was following the dwarf king around, practically chasing after him as he ordered other dwarfs about, blatantly ignoring the hobbit's words.

"Thorin, you are going to answer my question or so help me!" Bilbo attempted to threaten the still retreating king, the plump and rounded Bilbo waddling faster as Thorin started to march hurriedly away towards the less crowded part of the river. Once near the rivers edge, he turned quickly to face his hobbit pursuer, a look of utter annoyance upon his bearded face.

"Will you stop chasing me and hollering so damn loudly! I am not going to answer you Bilbo, so leave it be!" He gruffly spoke to the hobbit.

"Well why not?! Lots of people say they love each other, why haven't you said it to me?" He stomped his swollen hairy feet in frustration.

"Bilbo, you haven't said it to me _either_. So why is it that important to say when none of us have done it yet?" He asked of his impatient and pushy companion.

Bilbo paused a moment, thinking over what Thorin had mention. Bilbo really _hadn't_ said the word love to Thorin yet...He didn't know why, because it was a true statement. Bilbo was in love with Thorin, so why hadn't he actually said the word out loud before? Had he been waiting for Thorin to cave in first and say it? Was that what they both had been waiting for, the other to admit it first? Well, Bilbo knew one way to fix that issue.

"Thorin Oakenshield, I lo...I Lalala...I _luv_ you." He spoke the last three words fast, making the dwarf tilt his head as he stared quizzically at his hobbit.

"What did you just say, little one?" He questioned, head still cocked as he gazed uncertainly at the lightly blushing and somewhat fidgety Bilbo.

"Iloveyou." He spoke it as one word, quickly too and it made the dwarf stare even more questioningly at the hobbit.

"I...I think you just said that you loved me." Thorin spoke, smiling lightly at the other companions silly manners. Bilbo was rocking his body back and forth, his making circles in the soil as he gazed a bit bashfully at Thorin.

"That's exactly was I said. Now it's your turn!" Bilbo turned the tables, waiting to hear the same words from his counterpart.

"Uhh." Thorin dumbly spoke, feeling like he was being put on the spot.

"Go on, I did it, now it's your turn." He urged his companion, Thorin's eyes beginning to shift about uncertainly, his hands wringing themselves.

"Well, hobbit, you know that I Lalala...That I lala...That I care deeply for you. What's so important that you need to hear me say the other word?" He tried backing out of the situation.

"You're the one who stated that it was a very _meaningful word_ so why not use it on me!" He glared at the dwarf, starting to get hurt feelings over Thorin's actions.

"It _is_ meaningful! I just have a hard time saying it on the spot, Bilbo! I want to say it in context, for when the time and the mood is just right, can't a dwarf _choose_ when to use his _special_ _words_, damn it?!" He argued back, not one to be cornered into doing or saying anything when he didn't want to.

"Well fine! Maybe I'll just start looking for some other dwarf that isn't _afraid_ to use the damn word!" He turned around, starting to stomp off in anger.

"What did you just say? I am not _afraid_ to say anything! Bilbo! Are you listening to me!" He yelled, glaring as the hobbit ignored him and continued to march away unhappily.

"I can say it..." He frowned to himself, feeling upset that his hobbit thought him a coward over a stupid _word_ for crying out loud!

"It's his hormones, that's all. He'll be less emotional once we get that thing removed..." Thorin tried to reassure himself, wanting to believe the fault was Bilbo's and not his own.

-0-0-

Legolas moved in fast, once the young dwarf took off to scout with his brother. He was watching Tauriel, she was letting her pony drink from the river, petting it's shoulder lightly as she waited for the animal to drink its fill. Suavely he walked up, stoic look on his chiseled face as he neared her. He stood a few feet from her, looking off into the river water.

"My legs are not use to being so folded riding these short ponies." He spoke offhandedly, not really knowing where to start his conversation with her.

"Hmm." She shrugged, not even bothering to use a full word to reply, this miffed him greatly, as he tried very hard to keep his brows from furrowing.

"I've noticed you've taught this pony tricks. Tell me, do you like exploiting natures creatures?" Okay, so maybe his words could have been less hostile, but damn it! She'd made him mad at being so unresponsive to his other statement! Her lidded eyes tore into him with so much loathing that he jerked back at her mere stare. He felt himself starting to slowly move away she she kept glaring poisoned arrows into his heart but just using her eyes.

He was now a couple yards away from her, safely away from that horrible look she had given him. He tried to think of another way to approach her, his mind coming up blank as his eyes looked over towards the near by trees. He noticed one of the trees held some sort of fruit upon its large branches, maybe she'd be more agreeable if he gave her one of those.

With nimble hops, he was in the tree, quickly picking the round pink fruit and bringing it over to the auburn haired elf. He rubbed off whatever dirt there might have been on the fruit, and handed it towards the uncertain looking Tauriel.

"Please, take it." He asked politely, getting a sigh from the female as she took one and started to slice it open with her short knife. Slicing of a small piece, she turned and went to give the pony a taste first before she tried it.

The friendly beast happily took if from her slender hands, chewing it up and then abruptly falling over, surprising both elves as they tried seeing what was wrong with the downed creature.

The pony was foaming at the mouth, it's eyes fogging over as it shook and twitched errily. Tauriel took her hand and shoved it into the animal's mouth, pulling out a few chunks of the fruit it had eaten. Her hand went deeper, trying to see if it was choking but felt no blockage.

"The fruit, it's poisoned him!" She glared towards her elf counterpart, receiving a shocked expression from the unaware Legolas. He hadn't done this on purpose! Their actions had been luckily noticed by the wizard, he hustled over and placed his staff against the animal's head, saying an incantation as he did so.

"You lecture me about teaching the thing tricks, and then come over with poisoned fruit?" She scolded the blond elf, Legolas tried informing the other that he hadn't known it was poisoned, but she wouldn't listen to him.

"It's no good. This pony is done for." Gandalf sighed, taking his staff away as the group watched the ailing animal lay silently still, no longer twitching.

"We're back!" Kili called, his brother Fili right behind them as they came towards the nearest group to them, it unfortunately was the group surrounding his beloved pony who wasn't moving anymore.

"Oh look, Tauriel taught him how to play dead, isn't that neat, Fili?" Kili nudged his brother, his kin had a very strange look on his face for some reason.

"Kili, I don't think he'd playing..." Fili informed his brother, Kili was ever the light hearted fellow and attempted to show him that his pony was only playing.

He kneeled down and petted his pony's neck and talked to him, telling him he could get up now. When he noticed the funny looking foam around his steed's mouth, his eyes grew huge with shock.

"Kili, I'm so sorry..." Tauriel placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"He was just fine a few minutes ago...He was just fine..." He spoke more to himself than anyone, petting the pony still as he tried to wrap his mind around this horrible and horrific incident.

"H.._How_?" He asked, his eyes glassy as he searched Tauriels face for an answer.

Her eyes turned cold as she turned her head towards the awkwardly standing about Legolas.

Gandalf picked up the fruit that the elf had found, shaking his head sadly at them, "These are a poisonous fruit, where ever did you find them?" He asked, Legolas lifting his arm to point towards the near by tree.

"Better for take care of that..." Gandalf spoke to no one in particular as he marched off with his staff, though what he was going to do to the tree with only a staff, it was anyone's guess.

"You...You fed my pony _poison_?" Kili squeaked out the question, looking at Legolas with teary eyes, making the elf feel very strange as the group of three gazed at him, all with different emotions on their faces. Tauriel held utter contempt and fury, while Fili looked at him like the elf was touched in the head, and then there was Kili. Kili, the dwarf he truly despised, looking at him with such hurt and sadness, Legolas should be laughing in his stupid, teary _face_. Yet he wasn't. He felt bad for harming the _animal_, he hadn't plotted against them in that manner, though it surly looked that way. He had been trying to get Tauriel to like him, and now he looked even _uglier_ in her eyes by the act he had _unintentionally_ preformed.

"Actually, it was _Tauriel_ that fed him. I had offered her the fruit and she used your animal as a food tester. If you should be mad at anyone here, it should be her." He quickly informed the dwarf, making Kili turn his head quickly towards the she-elf, shocked and unbelieving.

Tauriel's mouth gaped open as her eyes grew big, "But Legolas was the one who gave me the fruit in the first place!" She pointed a finger at the blank faced blond elf.

"You are more immune to poisons because of your blood, as am I. If you had simply tasted the fruit first, that pony would still be alive." He spoke truthfully, elves could handle poisons much better than humans, dwarfs, and in this case, _ponies_.

"That isn't _fair_!" She accused her elf counterpart, Kili shook his head in dismay, "Is it true what he says, did you feed Minty Junior the fruit? Could you have lived if you'd tasted it first?" He asked her, his deeply saddened eyes boring into her for an honest answer.

"_Yes_." She sighed after a moment, her words making Kili suddenly burst out in tears and wails. Fili kneeled down and placed an arm around his little brother's shoulders.

"I'm sorry Kili. You can ride along with me." He offered, helping his kin up so that he could take him over to their uncle. Thorin would need to be informed of this. The two young dwarfs shuffled off, leaving the elves alone with one another.

'_If I can't win her affections, then at least I can make her dwarf despise her_.' Legolas thought to himself as he stared at his fellow elf, she was still crouched by the animal, not looking at him as she made the creatures eyes close.

"You know I didn't pick that fruit for his pony." Legolas commented.

"No, you picked it for _me_." She looked up and eyed him angrily. "We _are_ able to handle poison, but what if it was a _potent_ amount, Legolas? I might have died just as easily as this creature." She commented, making the blond cough awkwardly.

Their awkward moment was disrupted by a very loud, thunderous sound, made by the entire tree that had held the poisoned fruit. Gandalf had taken his staff and created a spell that had exploded the entire plant, little pieces of bark and leaves flying everywhere from the gigantic explosion. He was walking back with a very self impressed look on his face as he came over to the group with the dead pony. He lightly tapped the pony with his staff, then suddenly the pony awoke! As if he'd been _sleeping_ the entire time! The elves looked from pony to wizard with awe as he shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly.

"Destroying the tree saves the things it corrupted. With a little magic to spur the regeneration process." He winked, petting the now standing ponies head before leaving the bewildered pair of elves.

"I've never heard of such a power!" Legolas scoffed as he watched the wizard saunter away, feeling plucky and self important for 'saving the day'.

Tauriel was hugging the pony around the neck, tears of joy streaming down her face as she happily spoke to the _living_ Minty Junior.

"Kili's going to be so relieved!" She spoke to the animal, stepping back to hop nimbly on the animal's back and riding it away from Legolas towards the direction Kili had gone.

"Well, back to the drawing board." Legolas spoke to himself, glad that the animal had come back to life but also knowing that he was going to have to work even harder to either win Tauriel's affections of make her dwarf hate her enough to dump her. Whatever came first...

-0-0-

Thorin was listening to Fili's tale of coming back and finding Kili's pony dead when all of a sudden, the elf lass came running towards them on the supposedly '_deceased_' mount. The entire time Kili had been bawling, so when he heard a very familiar whinny, he looked up and was speechless as his eyes took in the living form of his beloved pony! He stopped crying and skipped happily over to his lady and his steed, hugging the pony's neck and receiving a sort of hug back from the friendly mount.

"How did this happen?" Kili asked of his lady, his answer was spoken by the sauntering wizard that approached them, "I destroyed the tree, thus healing anything that was harmed by it's evil fruit." Gandalf smiled at the now cheerful Kili.

"But the pony was _dead_!" Fili shook his head in awe, "How did you bring him back?"

"He just needed a little magic tap." He chuckled, gesturing at his staff he carried.

"Can we continue onward now?" Thoirn spoke toward them all, lightly irritable. His hobbit had wandered off and Thorin still hadn't located the pouting Bilbo anywhere. The sooner they got him and his moody ass to the Lady of Light, the better things would be between them, Thoirn was sure of it!

"Bilbo! If you can hear me, little one, we're going to start leaving." He called out around them, wondering if the stubborn hobbit had heard him.

"Well then, I'll just be riding with _Gandalf_ then." His little snippy voiced came from out of nowhere, the fellow popping out of a bush and walking over to the wizard, never glancing at the king once.

"Ah, fighting again I see. Very well, Thorin you can travel with Legolas." The wizard informed the dwarf king, walking off with the hobbit to go fetch his sturdy built pony.

"The _elf_?!" He seethed, even though he was going to assist the blond in winning the affections of Kili's lass, he still didn't want the bastard riding behind him! No one paid Thorin any mind as he cursed and huffed about having to share his pony with Legolas.

"That hobbit is going to be the death of me, I just know it!" Thoirn growled to himself as he went off to inform the elf about their new riding arrangements...

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien!

A/N: LONG chapter! Hope you all liked it! :)


	9. Chapter 9

Bilbo was uncomfortable, riding along with Gandalf. The bigger fellow already took up a lot of room on the small pony, leaving little for the clinging hobbit. Still, it was better than riding with Thorin at the moment, the mean spirited ass! What would it have hurt the dwarf to say he loved Bilbo? All this nonsense about "the right moment" was _hogwash_ in Bilbo's opinion. He was one very angry hobbit, as he clung to the back of Gandalf, wishing his stubborn ass of a dwarf would just say one simple word to make him happier.

When nightfall came, the group stopped to set up came, the hobbit continued to ignore the kingly Thorin as he placed his bed roll next to Gandalf's instead of the king. And it did not go unnoticed, his actions. Thorin was very loud and very rude as he hollered through out the camp that "Bilbo's in a mood again, boys, be careful! He might snap at you for _no good reason_!" His stupid statement only made the hobbit more moody, (sort of proving Thorin right), as he ate dinner with the company, getting snippy when he wanted more food and there wasn't any.

He was still a very healthy eater, his stomach growled in hunger as he finished the rest of his portions. Grumpily he went to his bed roll and flopped down, his back turned to anyone watching him as he tried to close his eyes and get some rest.

-0-0-

Thranduil _hated_ traveling, he hated the _scenery_, he hated the _weather_, and most of all, he hated the stenches of nature that struck his sensitive nose harshly, making him sneeze constantly as they traveled about. He suffered from sensitive nose syndrome; informally know as SNS. The smallest smell for a dwarf effected him ten times as much, making a lot of everyday things more tiresome for the elfish king.

They were passing by an old camp that had been used by the dwarfs, small things gave away that it had been the dwarfs they were looking for. A few things had been left behind, for instance there was a small looking comb with coarse hair still in it, matching the consistency of dwarfish beard follicles.

Thranduil's group was gaining on the dwarfs, making the king very pleased as he imagined what he'd like to do to Thorin Oakenshield once he got his hands on the little liar! His poor elks death would be avenged! Legolas and Tauriel could wait, it wouldn't be too long now, he'd find those bunch of bearded bastards and give them their just rewards!

"Sire!" A guard hailed the king, Thranduil gave the elf his full attention as the lower class male came before him.

"We've found something disconcerting, my liege." He lifted his hands and showed the superior elf what he had found. It was a very small, very articulate buckle. The kind of buckle you found on elfish bow straps, this was a very surprising thing to find all the way out here!

"Sire, do you think they have captured your son?" He inquired cautiously of his king.

"Legolas? Captured by Thorin Oakenshield? HA! HA HA HA! You're funny! Do you honestly think my _son_ would be subject to capture from those _fools_? No, perhaps he is _following_ them, but my son is not _captured_." He took the buckle and kept it on his person. If Legolas was with the traveling company, that would make his quest all the easier. Beat the living hell out of Thorin Oakenshield, and bring back his son all in one trip. Brilliant!

"You are going to pay, Thorin Oakenshield." Thranduil spoke to himself as he nudged his mount onward, his group was going to catch up to them sooner or later, and when they did...

-0-0-

"The hobbit confounds me so, Dwalin!" Thorin complained to his friend as they sat about the camp fire, they were the only ones left awake that evening. Bilbo was still ignoring Thorin, riding with Gandalf instead of the king, making the dwarf very angry.

"What did you fight about _this_ time?" Dwalin asked, use to the couples constant bickering.

"Well, he wanted me to say something, and I wouldn't do it." Thorin gave half an answer, feeling a bit embarrassed to truly admit what word it had been.

"What would have been so hard to say a word? It's not like he asked you to stop eating meat, or bark like a dog for pity's sake!" Dwalin spoke his opinion, finding Thorin's refusal to speak a word a pansy thing to do.

"You don't understand though! It was a very sensitive word." Thorin whispered his sentence, looking around in case anyone was listening in.

"Oh, you mean like nipple or penis?" The dwarf spoke the words with ease, but it made his companion flush and cough awkwardly, looking around to see if anyone had heard his mouthy friend speaking so lewdly.

"No, it wasn't anything like _that_, it was an emotion." He informed the other, who was chuckling at the kingly dwarfs silly behavior, thinking him a wuss for blushing at the words he had said so very easily.

"Ah, emotion you say? Like lusty weird stuff?" He wiggled his puffy brows at his friend and king, making the dwarf pissy enough to punch his companion in the arm.

"Knock it off, Dwalin. No, we don't say weird stuff like that to one another...he just wanted me to say _love_. And not just say the word, but to use it in a sentence towards him! And I just...I just panicked! I mean, he was being so damn pushy like he always gets and I was feeling caged, trapped even! So we argued and he got mad enough that he's still not talking to me...What am I suppose to do, Dwalin?" He was in need of good advice, and unfortunately for him he was searching for it from the most insensitive dwarf in their little group.

"Well, practice saying it, if you want to make it up to the little stubborn fellow. Why not try saying it to me? You wouldn't be meaning it, so it might be easier to do it because of that." He offered, the other dwarf looked at him funny for a moment before sighing in defeat.

"Okay, okay, give me a moment." He pleaded, turning to face the dwarf directly, looking into the others face and trying to get his mind settled enough to let him say the silly word.

"I La...I lalala..._Iluvyou_." He spoke it extremely fast and it came out sort of muffled. Dwalin nodded his head encouragingly, "Again, Thorin."

"I luv...I luv you." He slowed it down, spacing out the words more.

"Getting better, now try picturing me as Bilbo and say it." He waited patiently for Thorin to speak, noticing the other was beginning to sweat oddly, his face having a bit of a twitch to it.

"I..." Thoirn began, taking a deep breath to try and steady his nerves.

-0-0-

Bilbo had been tossing and turning in his sleep, unable to get comfortable so he decided to get up and walk around a little bit. Thinking that maybe if he did it'd help his restlessness. When he started to near the fire, he noticed Dwalin and Thorin were up still, looking deeply into each others eyes. _Strange_. He moved in closer, noticing Thorin was trying to say something, his lips trembling.

"I _love_ you." Thorin spoke his words to Dwalin, Bilbo's face agape in pure horror at the act, his anger filled to the brim at seeing this scene before him. He started to march determinedly towards Thorin, eyes slit and beady in his irate emotion.

"Bilbo?" Thorin had just noticed the hobbit, he was walking right up to him! He smiled as the hobbit neared, expecting an apology and receiving a very sudden, very sharp punch to the nose.

Thorin gasped and held his face in his hands, feeling blood starting to drip out one nostril. "What in the Hell is _wrong_ with you?!" He growled through his hands, Dwalin sat dumbfounded at the scene before him, watching the hobbit tremble in fury as he gazed at Thorin.

"You can't say it to me, but you'll say it to _him_?!" Bilbo pointed an accusing finger at Dwalin, making Thoirn realize what the little fellow undoubtedly had seen.

"Bilbo, I was _practicing_!" Thorin angrily informed his hobbit, taking his hands away from his face and reaching out to grip Bilbo's shoulders, "I was practicing so I could say it to _you_."

"Ah, _sure_. Like that's _really_ believable!" Bilbo huffed, crossing his arms and glaring daggers at the king, "Why would you need to practice on anyone? It should be an easy thing to do, Thorin!" He belittled the king, making Thorin feel low.

"It isn't easy for me, because I've never _loved_ anyone before, Bilbo." He honestly answered his hairy footed friend, watching as Bilbo's face turned from angry to surprised.

"Are you...Are you being serious?" He wanted to know, watching as the king nodded his head in yes.

"Thorin, I didn't know." Bilbo was feeling sorry now, losing his anger.

"I want to say it, believe me, and now I think I can. Dwalin, would you mind giving us some privacy?" He called, the dwarf quickly getting up and departing the 'love fest' about to ensue.

"Bilbo Baggins?"

"Yes Thorin?" The hobbit waited patiently this time, looking into the dwarfs eyes longingly.

"I happen to be in love with you. And sometimes you make me very angry, and cause me a great deal of ass ache, but at the end of every day, I still find that my heart still belongs to you. I love you Bilbo Baggins, evil creature inside you and all." He caressed the right side of Bilbo's face, smiling lightly at the now teary eyed Bilbo.

"Oh _Thorin_!" He cried, hugging the dwarf to him suddenly, holding onto Thorin tightly as he wept silly hobbit tears all over the king's tunic.

"There, there, little one." He patted and rubbed the hobbits back, glad to be over their little spat for the moment and just enjoying this time alone together.

"Has anyone seen a little hobbit anywhere? I believed he wandered away from his bed roll." Gandalf seemed to appear out of no where, surprising the hugging couple as the let go and turned to see him watching with a raised brow.

"Ah, I see. Well then, I guess this means Legolas will be riding with me tomorrow then?" He was answered by a mutual nod from both Thorin and Bilbo.

"Splendid! Well, good night you two." He nodded his head to them before leaving the couple to do as they pleased.

"Bilbo, will you share my bed roll with me tonight?" Thorin looked at his hobbit with questioning eyes.

"As if you even have to _ask._" Bilbo chuckled, smiling mischievously as they shuffled off to go cuddle.

Bilbo's body had been changing through out the journey, Thorin noticed it more so as he fondled and groped the playful hobbit, slipping off the others shirt to bare witness to the fellows extremely pooched out tummy. He was certainly pregnant looking now, not just fat, but rounded enough that you could tell a child was inside him.

Bilbo took notice of Thorins gaze over his belly, making the fellow feel a bit uneasy, uncertain if the dwarf still found his body appealing. He'd understand if Thorin was grossed out over his current state, Bilbo himself wasn't happy with his current look, thinking himself fat and unattractive.

"I'm sorry I'm not a pretty sight..." Bilbo was apologetic, Thorin shook his head at the hobbit.

"You were never pretty, little girls are called that and you aren't one of those by any means, you're a _handsome_ hobbit in my eyes, Bilbo. No amount of weight or other physical change could stop me from enjoying your body, because it's the inside of you that I fell for." He spoke honestly, making his half naked companion become teary eyed.

"No more tears, little one." Thorin brushed away the few drops that had flowed down the hobbit's cheeks.

Bilbo kissed him, pulling the dwarf to him as close as possible. They kissed and cuddled until sleep took them, the couple resting peacefully with one another, Bilbo's head resting against the dwarf kings chest, listening to the beating of his heart as he slept.

-0-0-

"_Oh my Ahhhhhh_!" Bilbo woke up screaming, waking Thorin and the rest of the camp with his cry of pain.

"Bilbo!" Thorin spoke his hobbit's name, watching worriedly as the fellow held his stomach in agony, screaming bloody murder at the intense pain he was experiencing.

This bout of pain was lasting longer than usual, the wizard took notice of this fact as well, striding over and placing his hand above Bilbo's stomach.

"It's growing restless, we must hurry to the Lady Galadriel! We are close enough that if we hurry, we might make it there before this beast tries to escape from its nest."

"What do you mean, _escape_? I thought we had more time!" Thorin raged, feeling vulnerable in his fear for Bilbo's life.

"As did I, but it seems this thing has grown faster than expected. If it's not magically dealt with soon, it will make its escape." Gandalf nodded knowingly, "It will either claw it's way out of Bilbo's stomach, or worse..."

"Worse?" Fili piped in, the whole company now surrounding the hobbit and Thorin, watching as Bilbo rolled about in his misery.

"Yes, _worse_. It might try to come out another way, and lets just say if Bilbo does _survive_ that scenario, he won't be pooping normally ever again." Gandalf's words were met with a bunch of "ohhs" and "ewws".

"I've seen some herbs growing near by that might help ease his pain." Tauriel offered her services, getting a look of disbelief from Legolas.

"That's a great idea!" Kili patted his lass on the shoulder, going with her to go find the herb.

"Make haste! We should be leaving soon and try to get poor Bilbo to the Lady of Light, only her powers can truly make the hobbit well again." Gandalf urged the youths running off, looking now towards Thorin.

"Thorin, once we get there, can you promise me that you won't be rude to the elves? If you are, they may not choose to help us." He warned the ornery dwarf king.

"I will bite back any mean comments that may come to mind, so long as they save Bilbo." Thorin watched his hobbit as the pain started to dwindle, the fellow was screaming less, his breaths coming out in pants as he sweated from the pain.

"It will be alright, Bilbo." Thorin cooed to his friend, wishing for the millionth time that he could help the hobbit himself, and not have to rely on someone else to heal his beloved master Baggins.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

-0-0-

A/N: So, thanks again to the reviewers on here! It makes my day reading your comments! We're getting to our Lady of Light sooner rather than later, she's going to be a very fun character to write. When do you think the Mirkwood kin will finally catch up to the group? Will he be merciful, or will his anger be ruthless and filled with blood lust? Who can say.


	10. Chapter 10

Lothlorien was a place filled with peace and serenity, a place were there was never any loud, obnoxious sounds to hinder the inhabitants sensitive ears. This was about to change, for the group of dwarfs were getting closer and closer to the forest. In the far off distance, the elves could hear some poor, ailing creature crying out in pain. The thing was probably being eaten, the way it squealed in agony.

Lady Galaderial was the only one among them that realize what was headed their way. She sensed her wizard friend's presence and had already surprised him with a mental greeting.

"_My Lady! You always know how to surprise this old wizard." Gandalf thought quietly for the elf enchantress to hear._

_"I sense someone within your group is very weak and in pain, is this why you've come to see me? You know it doesn't always have to be a dire reason for you to visit me, I'd enjoy a moment of your company without all the cloak and dagger involved." She was teasing in her words, making the wizard roll his eyes at the lady's comment._

_"Trust me, my lady, if it were up to me, I'd only come bearing good news, but that just never seems to be the case whenever I call upon you and your people." He sighed a bit tiredly. _

_"It's alright, my friend. Come, you will be welcomed here." She assured her wizard friend, closing their connection and informing her fellow elves that they would be having guests soon, that one was very ill. _

That had been an hour ago, the sound was coming in stronger, more shrill was the cry of woe from the creature. It sounded nothing like a human, or elf, let alone a hobbit. With elegant strides, she flowed down toward the ground, waiting patiently at the enterance for her group of visitors.

-0-0-

"Will you keep him quiet! That hobbit could wake the dead with his howling and moaning!" Dwalin complained to the kingly dwarf as they traveled onward, riding their ponies towards the lady who would heal the weakened hobbit.

"Bilbo's in a lot of pain, damn it! How can I tell him to shut the hell up when he has a growing demon baby clawing at his insides?!" He yelled angrily at Dwalin, holding onto Bilbo's body that was wriggling in front of him in the saddle.

"We're almost there." Thorin promised his companion, the hobbit whined and cried in answer, unable to speak real words at the moment.

Soon, they were coming upon strange and wondrous trees, trees with silver bark and golden leaves. A sight that would have been more appreciated by the group if their hobbit hadn't been screaming bloody murder for the past five hours. His voice was hoarser now, but still he wailed, wriggling in pain and agony in front of his worried dwarf companion.

They were now confronted by a group of elves, armed with bows, with a very elegant, very breathtaking she-elf in the middle of them.

"Lady Galaderial!" Gandalf hailed the elf, dismounting and almost whacking Legolas in the head by doing so. He walked over and bowed his head to the stunning female.

"My friend, I see you come to me with dwarfs as companions, along with that poor, weakened hobbit." She looked over at Bilbo wearily.

"What ails him?" She asked.

"He's been cursed, a thing grows within him, and his body is about to fail if the creature, the abomination isn't removed with magic." Thorin growled to her, ready for the 'magical elf' to do her job and fix his beloved hobbit.

"Cursed, you say? Let me touch him." She moved over to the pony Bilbo was draped over, her slender hand reaching out and touching his sweaty face.

"Oh my!" She looked down in awe at the hearty hobbit before her, "He is lucky to have made it this far." She informed the others, stepping back and ordering in elfish for her people to take the hobbit to her chambers, so that she could heal him.

"What are they doing?" Thorin demanded as he almost played tug of war over the hobbits body with an unknown elf, the wandering wizard had to intervene, whacking the dwarf smartly on the head so that the elves could carry Bilbo up into the gigantic trees, to their mistresses chambers.

"I will heal your friend, he will need you there with him, Thorin Oakenshield, as his husband, it is your task to bring him back from the agony he has endured." She spoke towards the surprised looking face of Thorin.

"How did you…?"

"How did I know you were married? I read it from his mind. He is very much in love with you, dwarf. Though I can tell your relationship can be somewhat chaotic at times, you two still hold a strong bond of affection towards one another." She smiled knowingly, lightly embarrassing the dwarf as he silently wondered _what else_ she might have read from his beloved Bilbo. Her smirk made him cough awkwardly, realizing now that she probably was reading his mind at that moment…

"Gandalf, I'll need your assistance with this, come. We must hurry." She turned to move gracefully up the beautiful silver trees, headed to where the other elves had placed Bilbo.

-0-0

Thandriul was sneezing, cursing after every one, feeling frustrated as they continued to travel along the river, getting closer to the dwarfs destination, Lothlorien.

"Why haven't we found them yet?!" He whined in annoyance, wiping at his running nose and feeling incredibly miserable.

"Sire, we're moving as fast as we can. Your allergies slow down our progress a great deal..." After the elf said that, he immediately regretted it.

"I have SNS, damn it, not allergies! Your attitude towards my nose ailment is rude and disrespectful! I'd gladly see you fed to the nearest Orc family for your insulting nature, but we haven't the time. Now shut up and tell the men to march faster!" He growled irritably towards the uncomfortable looking underling.

As the elf king watched his minion rush off, he felt a tickle in his nose again, some stench was causing the Mirkwood ruler to really feel down right awful at that moment. The dwarfs were surly not that far ahead of them, he couldn't wait to sock Thorin right in his lying, bearded face. He'd make sure to punish the hobbit as well, that'd really teach Thorin not to piss off the mighty Mirkwood king.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.

A/N: it's been a while, hope my readers are still out there! Life has been busy, but I'm trying to get stories out as quickly as I can. I'll have the next chapter up a lot sooner than this one was posted. For those interested in funny art based off these stories I've written, check out my Deviantart account, freshly posted drawings can be found on my profile page. Just type in VashandNaomiForever and you should be able to find me. Thanks for sticking with me!


	11. Chapter 11

You would think that when they arrived to the beautiful elf city, to watch the hobbit get carried off for what Legolas assumed was an exorcism, that he'd be able to afford some time with Tauriel. After all, Kili was with his uncle for moral support, meaning the she elf was without that idiot by her side. Yet for one reason or another, the maiden was unapproachable. One minute he'd find her conversing with new elves from the city, then the next she was asking the dwarfs for any news on Bilbo. She kept busying herself and making it extremely hard for Legolas to have a private moment with her!

At last, after trailing her all over the incredible city, he found her alone, eating a quite meal in one of the gloriously decorated dining areas. Casually, the lean blonde strode over, taking a seat and picking up a nearby apple. As his teeth sunk into the tart and tasty treat, he glanced at her, the female acting as if he wasn't there at all.

Was she still mad about the poisoned fruit thing? Perhaps, yet how was he to redeem himself when the stubborn companion wouldn't even acknowledge his existence? What might he do to get her to at least speak with him?

A thought came to Legolas, and it wasn't exactly a pleasant one. Everyone was concerned about the hobbits well being. He could care less, but it was apparent that the elf maiden across from him did. So, in hopes of actually starting a conversation, the blonde carefully asked of 'little Bilbo' and how the hobbit was doing.

"No one's heard anything yet, poor Kili's beside himself on how to console his worried uncle." Tauriel replied willingly. "I'm sure that everything is going to be fine though, they have Lady Galaderial to heal the wee one." She spoke assuredly.

"I've heard many stories of the Lady's healing powers. Though at this point I have to wonder if the hobbit can last out long enough for her powers to take effect." His words were met with a heated look from Tauriel.

"Quit being so negative! Give the hobbit some hope for the Eldars sake!" She scolded him like a child.

"I am only being honest, he's had that monster clawing inside him for a long while. Lady Galaderial is powerful, but sometimes things are just out of our hands." He was treading on thin ice, he could tell by the way his companion glared daggers at him, her slender eyebrows furrowed.

"You know what Legolas, no one likes a downer, and that's exactly what you're being right now. How about you take that apple and shove it up your negative, uptight ass." With that said, she rose quickly, leaving the blonde to stare after her wide eyed and open mouthed.

"What'd I do wrong?!" He spoke to himself, exasperated with trying to woo the easily peeved Tauriel.

-0-0-

The hobbit was momentarily quiet, having been drugged with an all natural drink, it eased his pain, making him currently numb from the chest down. He was also delirious, having been dehydrated throughout their last leg of the trip, so with the current drug inside him, he was a bit loopy when he did speak.

"Thorin, if I die, please don't find anyone else..." He had said this for like the hundredth time, and Thorin dutifully responded as he had before.

"You know I never will. Please stop worrying about that, little one."

Then, unexpectedly, Bilbo said a strange statement to his companion.

"Thorin Oakenshield, if you bed anyone else after I die, so help me I will haunt your ass!" He glared at the dwarf as if he'd already stared looking for another lover.

"I have no clue why he's speaking that way." He shook his head, Gandalf and the Lady of Light sharing a glance.

"Please, try not to let his words hurt you. That was the evil creature inside him, forcing Bilbo's insecurities out in the open." The Lady Galaderial explained, touching Thorin's shoulder kindly.

"No!" Bilbo butted in, "it's because I've caught him saying 'I love you' to Dwalin!" Bilbo informed everyone within the room, making Thorin blush as his brows burrowed.

"You know it wasn't like that." He tersely spoke to the slightly out of it hobbit.

Galadriel's hands were hovering above the hobbits plump belly, her mind sensing the dark presence within Bilbo.

"It's so large, it's going to take a lot of power to shrink it down enough to extract. Gandalf, I need you to concentrate all your powers with mine. It's going to sting a little, be ready to calm him, Thorin." The Lady of Light readied her small group. Even with the pain killing elixir within the hobbit, what they were about to attempt would be felt by the hobbit.

"I am ready my lady." Gandalf informed her, placing his staff above the hobbits belly, ready to start concentrating.

Galadriel closed her eyes, and started focusing on the abomination. Now, if Bilbo had been pregnant with a normal, half dwarf and half hobbit child, she never would have condoned the actions taking place. But this wasn't a normal circumstance, this being was corrupt, demented. It had to be abolished before Bilbo lost his own life in the attempt of giving birth.

Slowly, the thing began to shrink, each little centimeter shrunk was causing the drugged hobbit to cry, jerking to only be stilled by Thorin's sturdy hands.

"I'm right here, Bilbo. It's going to be fine." Thorin cooed to his wounded companion.

-0-0-

Thandriul was like a hound on a scent, following the dwarfs smelly, icky stench of a trail until the elf tracking group could see the golden leafed trees from a distance.

On a more entertaining journey, the Mirkwood king might have been excited to witness the beauty that was Lady Galadriel's kingdom. To relish in the cultural experience and enjoy wines that (he hated to admit it) surpassed his own in flavor and potency.

Yet that was not about to happen, they were elves on a mission, a mission to punish the wicked and take back his son. Legolas, hopefully the idiot hadn't done anything stupid with that Silven elf, Thandriul would rather an Orc use his treasured mane of hair for an ass wipe than have his son bond by physical union to the hussy, Tauriel.

"Elves, circle round. We've a plan to concoct." He spoke authoritatively to his men, his commanding behavior ruined by a feminine sounding sneeze.

The troops of elves tried desperately to hold back laughter, but the king seemed to be having some sort of attack, his eyes red and watery as he sneezed over and over again. By the time his nose halted its onslaught of snotty behavior, the group before him was practically covered in the Mirkwood rulers 'nose drool'. Faces were made in disgust as some elves began taking out handkerchief's, wiping away Thanduril germs as quickly as they could.

"As I was saying." He sounded congested, sniffling and wiping at his running, sensitive nose, "We need a plan. It appears our dwarves we've been tracking have sought refuge with the Lady of Light. Now, I do not wish a confrontation with someone as powerful as her, so we're to ride in there as if everything is fine. Lead them into a false sense of safety. Once they leave, we travel together and seek restitution outside of the Lady's kingdom." He watched with puffy, irritated eyes as heads nodded in agreement, others were still busying themselves with wiping away kingly boogers and other nasal residue.

"Alright, move out!" He ordered, urging his mount forward to lead on the group. It pained the king that he'd have to wait even longer for vengeance, but it couldn't be helped. Taking on the group and starting a fight within her kingdom wouldn't look good, and possibly would cause the powerful lady to become angry towards him. An incident he didn't want happening any time soon.

-0-0-

"My lady, we bring news of other visitors."

"Please greet them for me, I'm in the middle of healing and can not stop this process." The radiant leader sent away her underling. Bilbo's internal demon was now the size of a grapefruit. They'd made much progress, but there was still a lot to finish up. She could tell by his sweaty, shaky demeanor that Gandalf was struggling to maintain their high leveled concentration.

"_You're doing well, my friend. We're getting close to the monsters end._" She encouraged him mentally.

"_After this, I'm raiding your wine cellars_." He mentally joked with her, trying to keep light hearted.

"Raid all you wish, you've eared it." She winked, making him smile lightly, before concentrating harder on their time consuming task.

Bilbo was in and out of it, mumbling incoherent words, sometimes striking out at Thorin who had to keep his guard up. The dwarf was in agony just watching his hobbit, his eyes pained by seeing Bilbo so thoroughly miserable.

"Bilbo, when we get back, you're going to take it easy. I'll keep you company in bed if I have to, just hang on long enough for this monstrosity to leave your body." He encouraged his companion, constantly wiping at the hobbits sweating brow.

"Uncle!" Thorin heard his nephew Kili calling from behind the closed door.

"Quiet, Kili!" Thorin barked, not wanting any type of distraction.

"But uncle! You won't believe who just arrived within the city. It's Thanduril!" Kili hurriedly informed his father figure.

Thorin was surprised, and then suddenly suspicious. Why was the king of Mirkwood visiting this place so abruptly? Something didn't sit right with Thirin.

"Watch him, Kili. You and your brother. I don't trust that elf any farther than I can throw him. Be my eyes and ears, boys." Thorin ordered the dutiful nephews, hearing a muffled yes uncle from both dwarfs before their boots were heard marching away.

That's all he needed, to top off Bilbo's condition, he also had _Caterpillar Brows _to worry about. Damn that Thanduril!

-0-0-

Legolas had been giving Tauriel space, wandering the city when he found himself being touched and pulled into a small alcove within a giant tree. A female elf with a hood concealing her face, locked the two inside the dark alcove.

"Legolas, we've got a problem." It was Tauriel, the blonde male elf felt a smile play on his lips, feeling their close quarters a positive sign. Maybe she was feeling more susceptible to his charms?

"A problem you say, I'm sure I can find a way to solve it." He was trying to play it cool, taking and arm and pulling her in close.

"What are you doing?" She asked, tension in her voice, "We don't have any time for nonsense!"

"I see, then lets not waste any time." He was over confident, placing a hand where he ought not, and leaning in to try and peck her lips.

In the darkened area, he hadn't seen her fist coming, the tough female placing a rough punch to his small, delicate nose.

"My face!" He removed his hands from her, placing them over his injured nose, "I think you've broken my nose!" He hissed, feeling very upset and confused. Hadn't she drawn him into this private setting for an intimate moment?!

"Listen, damn you! We're in _trouble_, your father was seen recently entering this city. Do you know what he'll do if he catches us here with the dwarfs? We must hide until he leaves! I'm not about to head back to Mirkwood, and by now you've been gone long enough that he'd see fit to have you reprimanded as well." She informed the clueless blonde.

"My fathers here? But that's perfect! We can return home and leave all this dwarf nonsense behind us, Tauriel." He was back to the old Legolas, trying to get Tauriel to '_see the light_' and dump Kili like a dirty tunic.

"We're not going _anywhere_ for a while. You're stuck in here with me until your fathers left." She positioned herself so that she was between the locked door and Legolas.

"This is madness, I'm not spending the rest of our time here, alone in a tiny alcove with you." He was still holding onto his pained nose, glaring at his companion in irritation.

Tauriel was quick to think up an easy enough way for him to settle down and stick inside the hiding spot until it was safe.

"But Legolas, this is the perfect chance for us to have _alone time_. Who knows, maybe with enough time together in here, you might be able to convince me to rethink my partnership with Kili." She placed a tentative hand on his shoulder. In all honesty, she had no intention of leaving Kili, but if the fib got Legolas to behave and let them hide out, it was worth fooling the other.

"I admit, I've wanted a chance to speak with you alone. It's hard for me, Tauriel, to talk of things other than battle. I know I've only talked with you as a fellow elf warrior, but I wish to try and speak of other things with you, if you'll let me." He was getting hopeful, wanting a real chance at winning her, and willing to allow her his compliance with hiding if it meant he might win her heart over.

"Talk with me then, I will listen." She encouraged him, willing to listen to any mushy confession if it meant they'd go undetected during the Mirkwood kings stay.

-0-0-

The Hobbit Belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: Yay for updating! Thanks for reading my stories still and enjoying them. What will Kili think when he can't find Tauriel or Legolas anywhere?! Will the Mirkwood king stay civil, or lose all self control? It's gonna get crazy up in here! Keep an eye out for the next chapter!


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